Love... love the type of feeling that's meant to make you feel warm and fuzzy yet for me I've never felt that I've never understood what love is.. how is Ito possible to love someone.. how is someone meant to love me am I even worthy of being loved , is it possible for people to feel that way about someone like me when no one has ever loved me in my whole 23 years of life , my exes never really loved me, my friends never loved me except haven , my foster families never loved me except Mrs Watson , heck even my birth family never loved me they put me in foster care they never wanted me, I've always wanted to know more about my birth parents but I never knew where to even begin until now where I'm currently sat in my small living room in my apartment with these small ,nagging feeling in my heart for ages like I should know something that I don't I've tried making these feelings disappear into the abyss of my mind, no such luck in making those thoughts go away
Which leads me to where I am currently holding the phone which is pressed to my ear the orphanage of Maryland is on the other line I'm trying to get a hold of my files from when my birth parents put me in the foster system , I've been in and out of different foster families for years I've only ever had one family I really liked which was Mrs Watson she was a lovely woman she looked after me from when I was a baby till I was 4 , she couldn't have children herself so she was a foster parent, all the other foster homes I had was horrible I was treated like garbage, emotionally abused me sometimes it got physical , I had to hide the bruises sometimes when everything got physical
I've been on the phone for an hour and they only told me my birth moms name so I google her name which is Jennifer canning which I get confused with how my birth moms name is is different to mine because I've been told that I have my birth name stokes I dig a little deeper as I'm going through her instagram haven my best since second grade comes walking through our shared apartment door
"Hey have you heard the old mills hiring?" Haven asks oblivious to the fact that I'm going through my birth mother's instagram feed as I'm going through I stop on a picture of a photo of a guy who looks similar to me.. the caption says "so proud of my son" i possibly have a brother i feel my heart rate spike in anxiety of knowing that i have a brother who looks older than me and i was put in foster care when i could have had a happy life with my biological family not the hell I've been through "haves look" i say in a quite breath "What's wrong Kenz?" She asks curiously I'm still looking at the post shocked "I've been doing research on my birth mom today the orphanage gave me her name so I went on her instagram and saw a picture of her and a guy who looks like me but older and the caption says "so proud of my son" I think I have a brother haves"I say showing her my laptop where the photo is
"Holy moly he looks so much like you is he tagged?" haven tells me "No he isn't" I say "Well here's what we're gonna do right? We're gonna go to old mill tomorrow and see if they have a job for you since the bookstore closed down and we'll go from they're with the long lost brother situation yeah" haven asks me "yeah thank you" I say hugging her
we decide to order takeout haven wanted a Chinese which is what we ordered I decided to try and push the long lost family dramatics to the back of my mind locking it away we put on the Gilmore girls and watch that while waiting for our food
Once the foods been delivered we begin eating when haven brings up the subject that I've been trying to avoid in my own thoughts "So if you have a brother why did they put you in care?" Haves asks me like I know the answer to that when in reality I don't have any more of a clue then she does I have more questions going through my head right now then I ever thought was possible "I don't know all I know is they couldn't have loved me they kept my brother and gave me up I had a shitty life because my birth parents decided they never wanted me" I say eating some food
"How do you think you'll be able to contact them?" Haven asks me the question I've thought about a million times since I heard my birth moms name and saw that photo or my possibly brother "I honestly don't know I'm scared that they won't believe me or that they'll just turn me away I mean I'm used to it by now" I say emotionless which is the complete opposite of what I'm feeling currently I'm feeling like I'm nothing, like it's pointless in living when I wasn't even wanted by my biological parents and most of my foster parents, that can make a girl feel like absolute shit
"You should dm her" haven says which makes me think about it and she's right I nod and grab my phone I search her up and click dm
" i can't do it" I say that scared that my hands are shaking "You can" haven says putting her arm on my should as I type out a little message to my birth mom and send it "Done it" I say with a sigh "That's the first step Mac" haven says which makes me nod we continue watching Gilmore girls but I can't seem to stop all these thoughts that are running circles around my mind how the hell did I never know I had a brother , why did my parents put me in care god the amount of questions I have right now...
