If somebody came to shoot those people who don't have purpose in life maybe I'll be the first victim. Life is always fucking with me and I am tired hoping. It's all bullshit. Everything is going to be alright? Good things take time? Success is going from failure? Fuck it all! I've been failed in my entire life. Maybe there is no future for some people like me. I don't know to whom I can surrender my life. I don't think God loves me because He took everything from me and let me dying all alone.
I was born and raised in Switzerland till I turned to thirteen. I used to think that I had a perfect life. We lived happily even I didn't have siblings. But everything changed when God took my dad when I was seven. My mom went through depression, I was dropped out of school because mom couldn't afford it anymore.
Then, we move to South Korea because mom's friend Mary offered a job with promising income to be a shop assistant in her boutique. I think she did that because she felt pity for us and thank God her boutique ran well because that's our only way to pay her back. I went to Seoul middle school of course by some helps on auntie Mary. I used to visit mom at the boutique and help them to watch the customers.
I faced a lot of hard time to learn the language, assimilate into the culture, dealing with the culture shock because study in Seoul is something different than what I have had before. I had to catch up a lot of things so I won't feel left out because everyone was smart and diligent. I tried to have a normal life and found a new life with my mom. And I thought I have found it ONCE! Before I lost it again and I don't think it will ever come back someday.
My mom moved back to Switzerland when I got into a freshman in the Seoul university. She told me she wanted to open a small boutique with one of her friends. But... She lied. And it took some times for me to find the truth. The truth that my mom actually moved back to Switzerland because she got cancer. I wanted to leave everything and went back to Swiss to take care of my mom but she boldly refused. She wanted me to continue my study and achieve my dream as how we have dreamed together before. Mom wanted me to be an oncology specialist so I could save a lot of people's life. I wanted to give up but I also had dream to cure my mom. She kept telling me to fight like hell and come back as a doctor so I can cure her. That's the hardest decision I have had in my life but at the end of the day I listened to her. I made sure to call her every time I got chance, day, noon, and night. The only thing I had in mind is my mom had to survive and I had to graduate soon.
I am not sure telling this part of my life but I have to be honest that I could go through all those shits in my life because of her so I think she deserve an episode, she was someone who came to my miserable life and extant her hand to support me. I worked till midnight, I often skipped my class to get a freelance job mostly as a laborer, there were few times I helped to replace my friend as a pizza deliverer. I didn't get rest. Even after school I still work as a ware house helper in one of local shoes store. I barely see the sun because I always got home at eleven. Was I tired? Yes! Did I give up? No! Why? Because of her! I might didn't get chance to see daylight but she showed me a way to see light. But my life didn't get any improvement and I understand why she gave up.
Mom's health was getting worse and she hid it from me. She couldn't even move her body anymore and once I found out I dropped everything. I left university and I left her. I knew I left half of my heart in Seoul and that moment I promise to come back. I didn't know what to do with my life if I don't have mom. Mom's health was my number one priority. I thought I will find a way to keep in touch with her but I couldn't. One day I had to sell my bags, my shoes, even my cellphone to pay for mom's medicine. And that's how we lost contact. That's a hundred percent my fault because I left her and then I ghosted her. Maybe it would worth the pain if mom made it. But again, God was never on my side. He also took my mom and I had to face the truth that I was all alone, mom was no longer with me.
