~I thought why not put my comfort ytber through grief~
Sometimes living is worse then death, and others death is worse then life. But juicy thought the first one, he never felt like he fit in with anyone. So he went with bullying others, to suppress his inner feelings of isolation. He just wished he never existed, Maybe if he was never born he could escape from all of the things bringing him down, he never vocally spoke about those thoughts so he just drank to hide them. Atleast with drinking he wouldn't have to worry about if today was his last day alive. He knew he probably didn't have much time left living, he knew if from the second he saw his friend die.
He became so aware of his own mortality that he became vigilant of others, and himself. He was so scared that any wrong move would cause him to parish, he remember how he looked at his friend. How he saw the life leave his friend's eyes, he wasn't the person that did it but he felt responsible cause he told him to go out. He felt so scared to do anything every since that fateful night, he knew that his life was so fragile from that moment on. How life can easily be taken away just as fast as it was given, or slower. The look in his friend's eyes were trapped in his mind, his friend had a scared look.
They had decided to go to an abandoned place, it was mainly juicy's idea but his friend was okay with going. His friend fell from the room they were standing on, the roof caved in and his friend looked at him with such fear that froze him on the spot. He wanted to grab his friend but he was so frozen with shock he couldn't move, his friend screamed his name. "GAEGE!" Was on loop in his brain, He couldn't shake that from him, no matter how hard he tried. He was so scared to speak about it cause he felt that his friend's death was his fault, cause he couldn't save him in time. He froze instead of running to grab their arm and bring them back to safety, he sobbed his eyes out as soon as he had gone home and laid in his bed.
He was so filled with grief that nothing he did ever took it away, he felt so guilty that his friend died instead of him. It was survivor's guilt at its finest, even if he couldn't go back in time he still felt responsible for the death of his friend. He couldn't shake that feeling from himself, no matter how many drinks he took. Or how much therapy he got the sight of his friends body when he finally unfroze was stuck in his mind. His friend was Impaled on a peice of broken wood, his friends stomach was bleeding out from the plank of wood. The sight if his friends lifeless eyes made him scream mentally, he was too frozen to scream with his real voice.
The day of his friends funeral was the second worst day of his life, his friend was dead and it was all his fault. If he would've never asked to bring his friend out there maybe they wouldn't be dead, maybe they would've been able to graduate. He felt so ashamed when he saw his friends family, they hated him for good reason too. But the thing that broke him was when his friends mother said to him "Why couldn't you have died instead of my child?" That still repeats in his head to this day. He could never shake it out of his mind no matter how many drinks he drank no matter how hard he tried. It was stuck in his mind forever.
~This was a short thing about grief using a youtuber I find comforting, grief is different for everyone but it's still the same in some aspects.~
