Wistfully Wilting

I cry for you, mom

I cry for you, mom
Any time something bad happens
I call for you
I look at my phone
at the contact on my speed dial
But I don't call you
So many days I wish you didn't have children, mom
Not because I don't love my siblings or my own kids
But because I hate feeling lost without you
And I feel guilty
Because you're not dead
You're still here, mom
But I can't call you
I remember how I felt the first time you admitted yourself to the psychiatric rehab
I remember watching you drive away
After telling me "mommy has to go away for a while"
And I remember for the first time wanting to call you so bad
But I couldn't call you
You had to call me first
I cried for you mom
And I don't think I've ever stopped crying for you since that day
I cried at school for you
I thought one day you wouldn't come back for me, mom
After you told me some days you wanted to put a bullet in your head so badly
But I was the one thing holding you back
I was so scared to lose you mom
I learned that day to tread carefully
Not to tip the scale since your life depended on it mom
I cried when your wounds bled on me
When your self loathing words seeped into my bones
and became my own self loathing language
Spoken by generations of women before me
I cried for you and all the horrors you survived
That took control of your life and punished not only you but everyone you love and loved
I cry for you, mom
I still cry for you, mom