Invisible string (lestappen)

Chapter 24 : Charles

I'm not surprised to see the shock in his eyes. One week ago, we were together and everything was fine. If you looked at it from an exterior point of view.

She even came to see me at the Austin grand prix, like she often does. Or did. But from the inside, it was the furthest from perfect.

We broke up the evening of that race. After we arrived home, we both sat in front of the TV. The atmosphere of a non-said suffocated me to the point where I couldn't pretend anymore. I had to be honest with myself. The first step was admitting that I did enjoy kissing Max. A guy. As confusing as it was, I've never felt more sure about something before. Did that mean I am gay ? I don't think so.
No, actually I know I'm not.

I'm genuinely attracted to women. In all forms and shapes. The way I felt about Alex wasn't a lie. I did find myself fancying her and desiring her. But I felt the same about Max. So maybe I just like both ? Who knows. Either way, I don't want to label myself if I'm still as lost as I am right now. It would be pointless. Whatever I am, it doesn't matter. I'm still the same person as I was before. And it will be alright. Eventually. What matters right now is for me to come clean with Alex. I'll give myself time to process the rest later.

We talked. To my surprise, she admitted also wanting to have a conversation with me for a few days. It was only two weeks ago we decided to stay together. And in that time I did notice her behavior being different. She was more distant than before. Understandably, I cheated on her. I still haven't forgiven myself for it. I probably never will.

And I don't think she should either.

It lasted for a good hour. The conclusion of it being us breaking up. As surprising as it may sound, it was a mutual decision. She expressed to me how she felt like she probably wouldn't be able to act like nothing happened even if she wanted to and I told her everything I've felt too. From how I might have been lying to myself to how I didn't think it would work either. She was obviously sad to hear it, but was unexpectedly understanding.

It didn't end in tears or in screams. We hugged and then decided to watch a movie together. Despite what happened, the friendship that led us to each other was still there. I still felt love for her, just not romantically anymore. She isn't my person. It's as simple as that. She doesn't live rent-free in my mind the way my Dutch rival does. He officially invaded the whole place, leaving no room for anyone else.

I tried to get rid of these thoughts. I stopped talking to him the way I used to. I didn't go to him as much as before. Firstly, out of respect for my relationship with Alex. Secondly, for my own sanity. It for sure wasn't normal to think about someone that much. To replay one moment from days ago as much as I did. Desperate to feel the way I felt again. But I stayed strong, I managed to keep him at a safe distance. Until today. After that stupid press conference.

The words he said were still playing in my mind as I was heading for the redbull garage. What was I even going there for ? I knew why but it scared me to admit it. I just wanted to talk to him that's all. Tell him I wasn't mad at him. That we were cool as long as he stopped looking at me like that. His gaze, I felt it. Burning my skin every time he happened to be near me. I ignored it. But enough is enough. I couldn't take it anymore. He needed to stop.

•••

'What ? Are you okay ?'

I realize where I am after getting distracted for a second. I look at Max's in the eyes. His worriness is cute. He cares about me.

I put my hand on his cheek without thinking, feeling definitely more confident than usual.

'I'll tell you all about it, but the important thing is. I'm single. So please, just kiss me'