Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be dead, forgotten about. Sometimes I want it to happen. I can't do anything even if I tried. They hid the knives, they hid the gun, but I still have scissors. Either way, I'm too much of a coward to bring myself to do it. I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want comfort, I don't want support, I just want to feel comfortable just feeling. I can't cry, I can't be mad, I can't be scared. They fucking know about my sensory issues, yet they just continue trying to trigger them. I feel nauseous. I feel lightheaded. My chest hurts. It's hard to breathe. I know it's all fake, don't remind me. They were never my friends, I know. I was never loved, I know. Don't remind me. That's why I don't want comfort. It's just empty words. I know. Stop trying to comfort me like you never used to hit me. I still remember when you hit me so hard it left a mark. I can't fucking trust you after knowing what you used to do when I was a fucking baby. It's so loud. It's so bright. My head hurts. I'm tired of having anger issues. I'm tired of being sensitive. And it's just now that I realize people hate me because I'm a loner, they hate me because I'm mentally and emotionally unstable. I don't want to eat anymore. Don't say you were "joking". It was never fucking funny. You know about my body issues. Yet every fucking day you remind me. I'm sick of this body. The only real friends i have aren't even real. Hallucinations. I'm not even allowed to take my schizophrenia medication. I'm done with this. I don't even know why I'd even THINK about trusting you with Sam. I know what you'd do. Why did I even try. I could've just helped them find somewhere else to stay. I'm so fucking tired. I just want this all to end. I just know my future's gonna end up in the gutters. There's no fucking hope for me. I already gave up on trying.
