Can guys really be girls too??

Fear and Confusion, lost in thought

I was so against the very idea of wearing some cute frilly dress, I couldn't even believe it when Bachiko asked me and Iruma to put them on. I remember my face getting flushed as I had to ask Iruma for help putting it on, and feeling ever more embarrassed as I served Bachiko tea. But there's still something I can't understand, something that's really throwing me off right now.

Why did I like it?

I'm completely interrupted by someone snapping their fingers in front of my face, freeing me from my trance. "Lied! Hey, snap out of it!! I turn to the source of the voice, startled, seeing Jazz trying to get my attention.

"O-Oh, sorry jazz, was just thinking about this really difficult boss in this game I'm playing!" I chuckle, trying to push what I was thinking about out of my mind.

"Jeez, you've been really airheaded recently Lied, you sure it's just a game?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Jazz starts talking about some sort of party the guys were having, or something like that. I'm not really trying to pay attention, I just nod as he talks. I don't know why but I just can't think straight anymore. All I can think about is that frilly dress, those clothes that had been the source of my embarrassment. Those clothes that for some reason I just can't forget, and the strange feeling I felt as I wore them.

I'm not sure how to describe it, but I felt.. shaky. This feeling welled up in my chest and I had a rush of emotion. But.. what emotion was it?

"Sorry, I'm not really interested Jazz, I feel like sitting this one out."

"Well we'll still have a spot open for you if you feel like it. Text me if you change your mind." Jazz says as he leaves, waving. He gives me a certain grin that tells me that if I were to check my pocket, my wallet wouldn't be there. However, to my surprise a person suddenly shifts into existence in front of me. Or rather, a Purson did.

"Jazz told me to return this to you. Honestly I don't get why he steals so much, I mean at least he shouldn't steal from the misfits but then again that might not matter since he returned it."

"Thanks Purson!"

I smile at him. I'm really glad we finally noticed Purson, he's fun to have around. Even if he talks a little too much. I do notice something else though about Purson. I look at his face and overall demeanor. I remember seeing his mom after the musical festival and realizing they looked exactly the same. Could Purson get away with looking like a woman?

I realize I'm staring and Purson looks confused. "O-Oh uh, I have to go finish a game so see ya later bro!" I stammer out as I walk out of the Royal One. What was I even thinking about? Why would I care about whether or not Purson could pass for a girl.

And why is it making me feel.. well the only feeling I've felt like it is jealousy, but I don't know why I'd be jealous.

This kinda stuff is totally clouding my mind, I can't even focus on my games anymore, to Professor Robin's disappointment. "C'mon, I know you can do it Lied you've done it so many times before!" I remember him saying as I couldn't seem to get past this boss I've defeated a ton of times before. I'm in a complete and total funk.

As I'm leaving school I pass by Iruma and my mood lightens.

"Hey little bro!" I say as I approach Iruma.

"Oh hey Lied, going home?"

"Yeah, definitely gonna try getting back on the grind today! I've been in a funk with games recently but I'm totally getting it this time!"

"Good luck Lied! Text me if you wanna play together!" Iruma says with a smile.

That feeling's back again. For some reason I just can't help but think Iruma is pretty androgynous. He could totally pass for a girl. Though before I could let Iruma get the feeling something's wrong I spread my wings and start flying away while waving. I don't understand what I'm feeling and honestly it's really scaring me. Like, badly. Do people usually get these kind of thoughts?

I enter my apartment, ignoring my sister spread-eagled on the couch, lazily chugging a soda as she watches a Kuromu on tv.

"Hey sis." I say as I pass by her.

"Yo." She says in response as she just continues focusing on what she's watching.

I enter my room and lock the door. I throw my bag down and open my closet to change out of my uniform when something catches my eye. Something frilly. I freeze, some kind of fear building in my chest. Bachiko told us to keep them after our "training", so I just put it in here. And now my thoughts after seeing the dress again are starting to scare me.

I mean, obviously I don't like dresses. I'm not that kind of guy, they're absolutely too windy and make you cold, I definitely wouldn't want to wear one with a skirt any shorter. That'd be incredibly embarrassing. But why am I still staring at it like as if I'm contemplating wearing it? Why am I contemplating it?

I shakily pull the dress out of my closet, laying it out in front of me on my bed. It's still in good condition, pretty much the same as when Bachiko gave it to me. I remember how difficult it was to put on that first time. And how much ease Iruma had. I start to fill up with guilt as I remember how I was jealous of Iruma earlier. As a close friend of Iruma I feel guilty for even feeling something negative towards him.

I continue to stare at the dress. Should I really do this? If I do this, is there any turning back? At this point I'm scared of possibly even liking wearing it, and that's the outcome I want to avoid at all costs. I can't even imagine what my sister would say if I suddenly started wearing frilly cute dresses all the time.

Is that why it calls to me? Because it's frilly and cute? Boys can't like that sorta thing right? Well, then again people like Asmodeus exist. That guy has quite the fashion sense..

I grab the dress, my hand shaking. I pull off my uniform and throw it aside on the floor. I wait for a moment, contemplating things yet again before pulling the dress over my head. It's too late to turn back now for sure.

I tie all the ribbons and parts the way Iruma taught me and slowly walk over to the full length body mirror in my room and look at myself.

Why am I shaking so hard, why are tears forming in my eyes? Why do I feel like this? Why do I think I actually.. look cute? I hurriedly grab the hair extensions I was made to wear with the outfit originally and hastily put them on, looking back at the mirror breathlessly. Is that really me?? I always tried avoiding looking in a mirror, or well in general actually, when I was dressed up like this during me and Iruma's training but now that I'm finally taking a good look I'm taken aback.

Am I a total cutie?!

I spin around a bit and really take a good look at myself in the outfit. I can't believe it, I totally look like the kinda chick I'd date, and seeing myself like this.. makes me happy???

Is that what I've been feeling? Happiness? What does that mean, why do I like this as much as I do?

I try smiling at the mirror and feel total shock a rush of extreme happiness at the sight. I just totally looked like a girl there. Why does looking like this, like.. a girl make me so happy? Happier than anything I've ever felt before. I thought beating my favorite game after a long and arduous 15 hour campaign as a kid was my happiest memory. That and seeing Elizabetta during the harvest festival, but this is unlike anything I've ever felt before.

I don't understand what all of this means. Should I start wearing the girl's uniform instead? Would that make me feel the same way this does? Actually that's ridiculous, I'm a guy, why would I do something like that? Why would I even wear anything like this in the first place?

I hear my door lock click open.

"Hey Lied, I used the key lol, what did you lock your door for-" She stops dead in her tracks as she looks at me with a bewildered look.

I wish more than anything that it were possible for me to escape my body in this moment and go somewhere else. Far away from this. fear builds up inside me, knowing ive been caught doing something I could never explain.