Jean's Journal

Entry 150

Day: 15th
Month: November
Year: 857

It's been a while, or at least it feels like it's been a while.

Winter is making its presence known. The first snow fall of the year should be hitting soon.

I remembered when it would snow during training. Marco and I would volunteer to go on supply runs for our cadet camp. It was always a fun to get away for a bit, spend sometime together. I used to enjoy the looks of admiration I would get from people in the town, I was a vain son-of-b*tch.

I wish I had really cherished those moments. Marco use to make me laugh trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue. Looking back on it now, we really were just children playing solider. I wonder if Reiner and Bertholdt, Pieck...if they would still play in the snow while they were in training.

Last snow we had they closed the schools, I sat on a bench in the park, watching all the kids play. With a mix of hope and a bit of sadness I watched as Gabi and Falco worked together to make a snowman. I was amazed at the resilience of kids. Many of them have lost parents, their homes, friends...have fought in wars, killed people. Yet here they all were having snowball fights, making snow angels...trying to catch snowflakes on their tongue.

Then there's Kaya. She didn't really join in. Just sat on a bench reading, not doubt a book Armin loaned her. I can't blame her. When Gabi isn't around the smile is on her face, she's lively, even when Falco is around. But sometimes Gabi will join in whatever conversation is being had, and Kaya becomes quiet. Sometimes she just politely leaves. I know, I know that if Gabi could go back in time she would have never boarded our airship...pulled the trigger. What she doesn't understand is that being sorry and remorseful...doesn't bring back the dead. It will never bring back Kaya's sister. It won't bring back Connie...or Marco. Maybe as Gabi gets older she will start to understand that.

I avoided Reiner for a while. When all the dust had settled. There really wasn't a threat or at least an immediate threat. The reality of what Reiner did, and Bertholdt and Annie, really hit home.

Some days are harder than others, but Reiner and I have managed to come to understand one another, but he understands he can never take back what he's done. I don't see Annie much. Her and Armin drifted apart, it seemed that there connection had been driven by Bertholdt. Annie spends most of her time with her father, who lives on outskirts of town.

As I think about the future snow days, I will always think back to one particular snow day Marco and I spent in town. My mother had sent a bit of pocket money to have on me, so as we made our supply run I convinced Marco to stop at this little food stall. The vendor was selling a new kind of drink, for the winter. He called it hot chocolate. I can still remember the smell drifting past my nostrils. The man talked about how he heated milk and mixed in chocolate pieces.

Marco had never had chocolate before, said it was a luxury in his town. My father used to give me and my mother a chocolate candy during the holiday season. But I didn't know it could be in a drink.

So I bought two. The cups warmed our hands, the silky smooth drink warmed our bellies. We ended up off the Main Street, down a quiet alleyway, trying not to bump into people and spill our drinks.

I've never told anyone this. I don't know if I'll ever tell Mikasa. I looked at Marco, his freckled cheeks were pink. He had some hot chocolate on the corner on his mouth. Without thinking, I reached a gloved hand up and gently wiped it away. I felt a strange tingling in my finger tips as I brushed Marco's cheek. As I pulled my hand away, Marco took it in his. I can still feel the warmth of his hand. In on quick motion his lips were on mine, but only briefly.

Marco looked away embarrassed, and began apologizing repeatedly. He asked me not to hate him. I just started at him, his freckled face, which was now red. All I could think about was the feeling of his lips on mine, and how I wanted that feeling again.

I stepped closer to him, kissing him this time. Putting an arm around his waist, wanting to let him know it was ok. That I wanted to kiss him.

I don't remember how long we were in the alleyway, sharing sweet hot chocolate kisses in the snowfall. But we were late getting back, and had to run the next day. But we both knew it was worth it.

We were both more optimistic about joining the MPs but we weren't sure how a pairing like ours would be received. But at least we would have more leave time together; to sneak away to more alleyways.

We never got those moments.

While Mikasa and I share a deep bond of understanding, with talks of possible marriage. I will never feel the same way for anyone that I felt about Marco. That I still feel for Marco.

Never.

-Jean Kirschtein