Thoughts

Dear Pt. 4

Dear _____,

It is with no uncertain emotions that I provide to you this recital.

I have thought long and hard and spent many a night restless, toiling over every detail of our relationship together over the past nearly thirty years, and I have come to the logical conclusion that it must come to an end.

I cannot begin to explain with examples within the allotted time why I have come to this decision, but I shall simply say that I am tired of being treated like an idiot.

I have grown tired of being exhausted at the end of every conversation, every phone call, every dinner.

Additionally, I am tired of feeling the need to drown out my emotions in copious amounts of liquor, though, that is something I learned from you specifically. I will however note that it is wholly ineffective in the long term and I, unlike you, have at the least, a slight sense of self control and social awareness, something that, for many years, I was told (by you) that I lacked.

The night I was forced from the home I grew up in, the sentiment was that I was using my autism diagnosis as an excuse to wash away my shitty behavior. Your words verbatim were: "You need to stop using your autism as an excuse". (I still will wonder how much of that interaction you recall, what, based on the aforementioned ineffectiveness of using alcohol to handle these sorts of situations).

So, you'll imagine my absolute amusement at your phone call the night of Friday, January 19th 2024 at exactly 5:07 PM, a phone call in which you wanted my future wife to be involved in, upon which you laid out a very weak and horribly vague story about my father and how he was "an asshole since the war". (Paraphrasing).

Now, this particular story is one I've heard before and never believed, (please see above paragraph on previous phone calls and dinner conversations), so I just bit my tongue and held on while you explained that, after my  September wedding, you would be separating from my father. Again, nothing particularly new.

But what really irked me, what got particularly under my skin and set a fire burning in my core, was when you said that my father's behavior was the reason you started drinking again.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh, in every argument in our family since the day my little brother came home.

"You two are the reason I drink."

Now, I'll admit that I hadn't heard those words leave your lips in some time but from the sounds of it, my little brother HAS heard them and has, (not so happily), taken the place of goalie for this family, a position I am ever grateful to not have myself, but one for which I would gladly take point if needed.

How many times have you lied to me? How many times have you told me something that was easily disprovable? And how long did you honestly think I would go without talking to my own brother for fucks sake?

You may not believe it, but we are closer now than we have been in years. And to know that he turned out with an ounce of emotional intelligence and self awareness brings me such joy because I know none of it came from your teaching or leading by example. Rather, we both grew up seeing what not to do, how not to treat others, how not to be a melancholy, alcoholic wreck who destroys everything they ever touch.

I am so grateful for the good things you provided me. My knowledge of nature, of the world around me. But how to function in it did not come from you. I learned that all the hard way, on my own, through trial and error, with no guiding had to show me the way.

Please don't get it into your head that I've ever forgotten the good things; the loans, the gifts, the kind words said through sober lips. But please also know that they do not simply outweigh your sins.

Now, if it were not for the fact that I was being married on your property, and you weren't also helping me and my future wife plan the wedding itself, I would have read this speech to you months ago.

By the time you read this, I will have gone on my honeymoon, returned, and promptly blocked you from EVERY aspect of my life including, but not limited to: phone calls, texts, emails and social media. I will also be asking for my keys back, lest you go into a rage and show up here unannounced, something you've not done before but that I wouldn't put past you.

My friends, my brother and my wife will all have nothing to do with you. My future kids will think that you died when I was 29 because, in all reality, that is what happened.

To use some phrases I've picked up through the grapevine that you so rightfully feared:

You're a disappointment to your family. You are using alcohol as an excuse to wash away the decisions YOU made and blaming everyone else for the results. You are beyond helping.

Please, isolate yourself away from me, my brother, my wife and my friends and never, EVER speak to me again.

With sincerity,

Your flesh and blood,

Your son,

_____________.