"𝗂 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝖺 𝗉𝗈𝗌𝗍𝖼𝖺𝗋𝖽 𝗆𝗈𝗎𝗍𝗁
all it ever says is:
𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦."
- trista mateer, honeybee
when valerie forester heads south to visit her best friend in nashville, the last thing she expects when she departs is an...
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★ ★★
autumn turned to winter with a menacing grin. by the week before halloween, ypsilanti was blanketed by a significant layer of snow, accompanied by the thick fog that had settled over washtenaw county. the streets were slick with ice, and i seemed to come across a new collision every day on my commute to work. the trees were white with frost, turned to stone by gorgons of cold. i missed the south.
it'd been nearly two months since nashville. since i'd seen layla. since jake.
my mind had been primarily occupied by my mother and the newfound knowledge of her condition since i'd heard, and i often never thought of jake until late at night when i laid sleepless in bed. i'd find his name in my phone and hover my thumbs over the keyboard for i don't know how long. but after i'd told him to let me know if he ever found himself back in our home state, i hadn't texted him. i never knew what to say. if i should say anything at all. so i didn't bother. and neither did he.
marin sent me the occasional mom update via text. i wasn't sure whether or not i should be grateful for them, but i knew i couldn't deny the relief i felt whenever i read that my mom was doing okay, in spite of it all.
for the entirety of october, i'd been working up the courage to visit her. trying to, anyway. something about the way the leaves seemed to yellow overnight, and they way they collected beneath the trees even quicker, filled me with this inexplicable sense of panic. i was afraid that the longer i went without seeing my mother, the sooner i'd come to find that i was too late.
i drove to her house once a week. i could never find it in myself to get out of my car, instead lingering down the street, waiting for something to happen until i lost hope in divine intervention and left. i figured maybe one day i'd be stupid enough to waltz in and tell my mother i was sorry. for what, i couldn't confidently say. but i knew that i should be, and that for some reason, in her sickness, my mother deserved to hear it. deep down, i knew she didn't. but marin's words stirred relentlessly in my head.
you're a selfish, selfish person, valerie. you know that?
and part of me did. just like i knew that even though i wanted to be, even though i should be, i wasn't sorry.
i wanted to forgive her. i really did. i wanted to be there for her, too. but every time i thought about forgiving her, i was quickly reminded of why i couldn't. why i wouldn't. she didn't deserve her sickness, but she didn't deserve my remission, either.
neither tegan nor layla knew of my mother's condition, and for the time being, i didn't have any intentions of informing them. it wasn't that i didn't want them to know, it was that i wished i didn't know, either. the way i saw it, the longer i went without talking about her, the less guilty i felt about keeping my distance, even with the knowledge that any day could be her last. that i might never see her again. i was still working on being okay with that.
