Sometimes when your sitting in your room alone at night you realize how alone you actually are, yeah theres a lot of people around but thats not what being alone really is in my situation, i have 2 people in this entire world that I actually trust so much to call when i'm gonna slice my wrists, not many people get what it feels like to be addicted to self harm, it starts out as a coping mechanism and then turns to an addiction, i just sit in my room and all of a sudden i just wanna see blood dripping out of my arms, i dont know how to explain it but just when you see the blood its just a relief, the blood is so pretty, its like im painting art on a canvas, my arm is the canvas and my blood is the paint and the brush is the blade, i wanna get better i do but just feeling the pain and watching the blood come out of my wrist is so addicting i cant snap out of it, i know im gonna regret it but in that moment it feels so right, its like when you drink, you know your gonna get hungover but in the moment it feels so so so good and you cant get the thought out of your mind, i know its so so bad for my health but its so calming to watch the blood appear from my wrist, dont get me wrong its scary as fuck but it also feels so good, like going over the speed limit in a car or running down a hill full speed or sneaking out, i want to stop so bad but i cant, even when my parents hide all the sharp objects my mind takes over and i find a way to hurl myself, at this point i need to be in a padded room in a straight jacket just to keep me from hurting myself, theres no way in hell im doing that though, i always say im fine but im never fucking fine, i dont even remember what it feels like to be happy, i can barely wear a short sleeved shirt in front of people even myself, everytime i wear a short sleeved shirt and i look down to see what im doing i see my scars and i just get millions of flashbacks of everything I've been through, its like each scar has a story too tell, i know the scars will always be there too. I don't deserve anyone, what's even the point of me living? I'm just a rat that's only here to increase the human population. I just wanna die already but im too much of a pussy to kill myself, i wish i had the balls to actually do it then no one would have to worry about me annoying them then everyone would be happier, yeah they might mourn or whatever but in a week or so they'll forget about me, if i killed myself i would really just be doing everyone a favor. There's no point in me being in this world, I'm fat, ugly, annoying, loud, eats everything, a waste of space, the list could go on all day really, the only reason people pretend to like me is out of pity, i deserve to die.
