The Hobbit/There and Back Again - A Hobbit's Tale Fanfiction

Chapter 3 - The Unexpected Party

Abigail and I decided to change into proper clothing for our rather unexpected guests. She decided to wear a brown skirt and green corset to go over a tan colored top, her long dark hair still tied in a messy bun with a few braided details if you look closely. I, on the other hand, decided to put on some proper trousers with suspenders to keep them up. To my shock, I see the dwarves rummaging through my pantry, grabbing whatever food they could get their rather messy hands on. I tried to stop one of them from taking my wine, only to hear a response in dwarvish tongue while pointing what appeared to be an axe on his head. Despite reading books on the world of Middle-earth, I was not familiar with languages, so I stood there in silent confusion.

"He's got an injury" said an older dwarf by the name of Oin.
"You mean the axe on his head?" I asked
Oin pulls out a hearing device, "Dead? No, only between his ears. His legs work fine"
There was no end to this madness before me, seeing the dwarves grabbing everything from my pantry no matter how many times I asked them to put them back. I see Abigail coming from the kitchen as a rather large dwarf by the name of Bombur was holding an excessive amount of cheese. "Tad excessive isn't it?" she asked, "Have you got a cheese knife?"
"Cheese knife?" asked a dwarf named Bofur, "He eats it by the block, lassie"

Before I could help the poor female hobbit, I noticed the dwarves were taking my grandfather's chairs to the dining room. Seeing as they didn't listen, I marched over to the deaf dwarf and told him to place the chair back since it was not for sitting. Gandalf on the other hand was helping these dwarves set up the table without a care in the world, even counting each member. Thankfully I was able to get my prize winning tomatoes from one of them before they could eat it. But the madness had only begun the moment they started eating at my dining room table, throwing food at one another and drinking every drop of ale. Then the moment I turned around, there was nothin but crumbs and empty shelves in my pantry.

I felt a light tap on my shoulder, thinking it was one of the dwarves until my eyes met with Abigail. She presented the food she saved from those dwarves before taking my hand and dragged me to the kitchen. As much as I wanted to stop those dwarves from destroying my home any further, I just simply followed Abigail as she guided me to my small kitchen table while she started preparing a proper supper for me. It was a small bowl of warm vegetable soup, a perfectly cooked chicken, and a side salad. I sighed and thanked Abigail for the meal, she assured me that she will take care of the dwarves once they finished eating. It did feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, for a moment at least, once Abigail left the kitchen to deal with Gandalf and the dwarves.

Once I was done with my supper, I could see in the corner of my eye that Abigail was making sure the dwarves were helping clean up the house. One of which was attempting to clean a cup with a doily. "Excuse me, Nori" said Abigail, "That is a doily, not a dishcloth"
"Oh, sorry miss," he said, handing the doily back to her.
"But it's full of holes" said Bofur
"It's suppose to look like that" said Abigail, placing the doily by the fireplace to dry, "It's crochet"
"Oh, and what a wonderful game it is too. If you got the balls for it"
The dwarves laughed at the joke while Abigail rolled her eyes, seeing she was just as annoyed as I was.

Gandalf appears beside me, looking rather concerned. "My dear Bilbo, what on earth is the matter?" he asked
"What's the matter?" I repeat, "I am surrounded by dwarves. What are they doing here?"
"Oh, they're quite the merry gathering... once you get used to them"
"I don't want to get used to them" I hissed, "Look at the state of my kitchen, there's mud trailing the carpet, they pillaged the pantry! I'm not even gonna tell you what they've done in the bathroom, they all but destroyed the plumbing. I don't understand what they're doing in my house"
I sighed in frustration before Abigail placed a comforting hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down.

A young dwarf walks up to us slowly and said, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt"
"Oh, it's quite alright" said Abigail, "Ori, was it? What can I help you with?"
"Well, what should I do with my plate?" Ori showed the empty plate in his hand, unsure of what to do with it. Before Abigail could take the plate, Fili steps in and takes the plate from Ori, saying he'll deal with it, until he throws it across the room. Kili was on the other side of the hall with a pipe in his hand, catching and throwing my mother's dining set like a frisbee or ball with his free hand. I was afraid they might break them since they're over a hundred years old. Of course, neither one of the dwarves were listening as the rest were messing with my utensils in the other room. "Look and c-c-can you not do that?!" I yelled, "You'll blunt them!"
"Oooh, did you hear that, lads?" asked Bofur, "He says we'll blunt the knives~"

Before I knew it, the dwarves suddenly broke into song as they tossed the plates and utensils around my house. It went something like this,

Blunt the knives, bend the forks
Smash the bottles and burn the corks
Chip the glasses and crack the plates
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Cut the cloth, trail the fat
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat
Poor the milk on the pantry floor
Splash the wine on every door!

Dump the crooks in a boiling bowl
Pound them up with a thumping pole
When you're finished if they are whole
Send them down the hall to roll!

I was completely flabbergasted as my dishes were tossed around my house, Gandalf was just standing there with a pipe in his hand, making rings for the dishes to go through. Abigail was dancing to the music while helping the dwarves, much to my horror. By the end of the song, they cheered, "That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"
I rushed over to see all my plates were in perfect condition and completely spotless. They all laughed amongst themselves until a loud knock was heard from the door. Everyone went silent as Gandalf whispered, "He is here"