Jeff Wrote This

Greg rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants legs and tried, once again, to look up. But, the lights were still too bright. He dropped his eyes back down to his lap, and once again asked himself why he had agreed to come.

"Thank you, Jana," he heard himself say, the words tearing scars in his dry throat, "It's great to be here."

That's what he was supposed to say, right?

***

From a daily news segment two days prior:

In spite of the rain, hundreds of people are gathering outside [Redacted] University today to participate in what is surely one of the most unusual protests in recent years. The target: senior members of the editorial staff of the Journal of Entomological Experiments, which is published by the university. They are here to protest the journal's decision to remove an author from a recently submitted manuscript. His name is Jeff, and he is no ordinary author...

...Many of the protestors are dressed in robot costumes, and there are even a few actual robots in attendance, all carrying signs that read "Jeff Wrote This."

***

Greg took another deep breath, allowing the rehearsed words to come back into his mind. "Yes, Jeff was certainly integral to the scientific process during our study. He analyzed the data, and even exposed some ambiguities in our initial hypothesis that led to a revised hypothesis and a second set of experiments to confirm it."

Jana interrupted him, tipping her head forward and stretching out a hand as if to touch his knee. "For the non-scientists in our audience," she said as her hand stopped, hovering a few inches from actual contact, "Can you please explain that in a little more detail?"

I'd rather stick to lines I've rehearsed already, Greg thought miserably. But, he couldn't let her see that: what Jana Anderson saw, the whole American public would also soon see. Better not let her see a version of him that he couldn't face himself.

"Well," he said, trying to look thoughtful, rather than unprepared, "I'm an entomologist, so my research focuses on behavior and ecology of insects, spiders and centipedes. We were trying to explore certain aspects of centipede behavior, trying to determine how they might be incorporated into arcology gardens for natural pest management. When we'd completed our experiments, Jeff analyzed the data for us. The results were positive, but he pointed out that we couldn't quite support our ideas yet: we needed more evidence. So, he helped us design another experiment, and that helped clarify the details, and confirmed our original hypothesis."

***

From an email written by Dr. Shawn Penney a couple months prior:

Well now Erica's found out about it somehow, and she's been talking around the department. Clearly, somebody at J.E.E. hasn't been keeping confidentiality. I'm going to write a complaint to the publisher.

Anyway, let's just take Jeff off the author line. Then, they'll accept the paper, and people MIGHT stop talking.

***

"So, what made you decide to include Jeff's name on your author line?" Jana asked.

Greg laughed, this time deciding that it would be okay – prudent, even – to let his discomfort show a little. "Jana," he said softly while still looking down at his knees, "I've been asking myself that question since I submitted the damn thing." He looked up then. "But I don't know: I felt like it was a matter of intellectual integrity. I felt obligated to acknowledge that Jeff contributed intellectually to the manuscript. If one of my human colleagues had done what Jeff did, nobody would have questioned whether it was right to offer them co-authorship."