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"I WAS RECEIVING treatment inBoston for half of my hiatus."
Minutes of total silence later, Takoda's voice came, calm and intentional. We'd found our way to the hallway that separated the bedroom from the living space after changing into comfortable clothes, and now we sat facing each other, our backs to the walls, knees touching. His eyes were fixed on his restless hands, and I watched him for just a heartbeat before reaching out to take them in mine. He relaxed almost immediately.
"I'd been ignoring the fact that I was having another depressive episode for a couple weeks before that. I'd call you over, and you'd be there as soon as you could. It was easy to distract myself from it. But then everything happened with us, and I don't know how it was possible to get worse, but I did. I was filled with so much hate, towards myself and in turn the people around me, and I didn't see the importance of sticking around anymore. I really didn't want to be here or anywhere. I was so exhausted that waking up every morning felt like a chore."
My blood went cold with every sentence, but I firmly held onto his hand and told myself not to make any sudden reactions. He'd stop if I did, and we'd never come back to this.
"May came over one morning, and I was just motionless in bed. Lulu was next to me, sad and cuddled up to my side, but I didn't have any sleep that night, so I couldn't even lift a finger. May asked me several questions, none of which I could respond to, and she just started panicking, searching around my bed to see if I'd overdosed on antidepressants or something. Then she called my doctor, and I remember her saying, he's just here, unmoving. Should I be worried? The doctor came over, got me up, gave me my pills, and when I felt better, she asked me what I genuinely wanted. It took maybe three minutes for me to get my thoughts together, but I could only tell her that I missed feeling okay, feeling like myself, that I wanted that back. That was when she suggested the treatment program in Boston.
"I wanted to call you and tell you what was up. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, but there were these self-deprecating and pessimistic thoughts that stopped me. I didn't want the tabloids up in my business, so I had May swear secrecy and pull some strings that would prevent anyone from bothering me while I was away. The program was three months long, I got out feeling lighter, so I texted Coco, and she called crying, telling me how much she hated me. I sat by the curb just outside the center listening, and when she was done, the only thing I could say was I'm sorry. If she was so torn up by it, I couldn't imagine what you were going through."
Takoda paused and raised his gaze to mine. His eyes were soft and glazed over, like he was on the brink of tears, and my grip around his hands tightened.
"When I came back and saw you, I realized how much I'd messed up. The only time I saw a genuine smile on your face was when you were with Lulu, and I kept asking myself what the hell I'd done. That was the last thing you deserved."
"Xandra didn't deserve it either," I told him quietly, my lips barely moving, and he stopped to regard me for a long moment. I leaned my head against the wall behind me. "Neither did you."
