Which Witches

chapter 3

            For the wizard watcher's body he used a sea lion shape, but larger and furrier with a sloping and rather cuddly chest. The watcher had four feet and one tail, but it had three heads with keen -sighted and beautiful eyes set on short stalks. And every day at sunrise this gentle and very useful monster would waddle down the avenue, past the blackened shaped like gallows, past the oozing well and the devilish maze, and sit in the gateway watching for the wizard.

It watched in this way day after day , month, year after year, the Middle Head looking north over the moors, the Left Head looking west across the sea. Then, on the nine hundred and ninetieth day of just sitting there, the wizard watcher lost heart and became gloomy and annoyed.
               "He cometh not from the north" said the Middle Head, as it had done every day for nine hundred and eighty - nine days.
             " He cometh not from the west neither," said the Left Head.
            "Nor from the east doesn't he cometh," said the Right Head.  "And our feet are freezing."
      "Our feet are blinking dropping off," said the Left Head.

   There was a pause.
  "Know what I think ?" said the Middle Head.  "I think the old man's been had."

"You mean there ain't going to be no new wizard?" Said the Left Head.

       The Middle Head nodded.
       This time the pause was a long one.
   "Don't fancy telling him, " said the Right Head at last.
  
  "Someone's got to, " said the Middle Head.
So the monster turned and lumbered back to the hall, where it found Arriman in his bedroom dressing for dinner.
   " Well?" he said eagerly. " What 's the news?"

" The new wizard cometh not from the north,"  began the Middle Head patiently.
"Nor from the West he doesn't cometh," said the left Head.
  " And you can forget the east," said the Right Head, " because the new wizard doesn't cometh from there neither."
  Then, speaking all together, the three heads said bravely: " we think you have been taken for a ride."

         Arriman stared at them, aghast.
        " You can't miss it! It is possible!" He turned to Lester, who was getting ready to trim his master's mustache.   " What do you think ?"
      The ogre rubbed his forehead under the eye patch and looked worried.  " I've never known Esmeralda to make a mistake, sir. But it's been a long ------"

He was interrupted by a terrible shriek from Arriman, who was peering forward into the mirror and clutching his head.
      " A white hair!" Yelled the magician. " A white hair in my curse curl! Oh , shades of darkness and perdition, this is the END!!"

His shriek bought Mr. Leadbetter , his secretary hurrying into the room, Mr. Leadbetter had been born with a small tail, which had made him think he was a demon. This was a silly thing to think because quite a lot of people have small tails. The Duke of wellington had one and had to have a special hole made in his saddle when he rode to battle at Waterloo. But Mr. Leadbetter hadn't known about the Duke of Wellington and had wasted a lot of time trying to rob banks and so on , until he realized that crime didn't suit him and he became Arriman 's secretary instead.
    
       " Are you all right, sir ? " he asked anxiously.  " You seems upset."

    " Upset? I'm finished! Devastated.    "Don't you know what a white hair means? It means old age, it means death. It means the end of wizardry and darkness and doom at Darkington.  And where is the new wizard, where, where, where?"

  The monster sighed.    " He cometh not from the north," began the Middle  Head wearily.
       " I know he cometh not from the north, you dolt, "
Snapped the Great Man.  " That's exactly what I'm complaining about. What am I going to do? I can't wait forever."
      Mr. Leadbetter coughed. " Have you ever, sir , considered marriage? "

There was a sudden flash of fire from Arriman's nostrils, and from behind the paneling, Sir Simon gave a gurgling groan.

     " Marriage! Me marry! Are you out of your mind?"
" If you were to marry, sir , it would ensure the succession, " said Mr. Leadbetter calmly.

  "What on earth are you talking about? " Snapped Arriman, who was feeling thoroughly miserable and therefore cross.
   " He means you could have a wizard baby, sir.  Then it could take over from you. A son , you know," said Lester.
     Arriman was silent. A son. For a moment he imagined the baby sitting in his pram, a dear little fellow tearing a marrow bone to shreds. Then he flinched.
 
     "Who would I marry? " he muttered miserably.
But of course he knew. All of them knew. There is only one kind of person a wizard can marry , and that is a witch.
     " It wouldn't be so sad, maybe? Said the Left Head encouragingly.
    " Wouldn't be so bad! " Yelled Arriman. " Are you out of your mind? A great black crone with warts and blisters in unmentionable places from crashing about on her broom! You want me to sit opposite one of those every morning eating my cornflakes?"

    " I believe witches have changed since ----" began Mr. Leadbetter.
    But Arriman wouldn't listen.
' Running along the corridors in her horrible nightg, shrieking and flapping. Getting egg on her whiskers. Expecting her pussycat to sleep on the bed, no doubt! "
    
     " She might not -------"
     "Every time I went to her kitchen for a snack she 'd be there, stirring things in her filthy pot ----rubbishly frogs ' tongues and newt's eyes and all that balderdash.

Never a decent bit of steak in the place, I expect, once she came. "
 
    " But -----"
    " Cleaning her foul yellow teeth in my washbin,". raged Arriman, getting more and more hysterical. " Or worse still, not cleaning her foul yellow teeth in my washbin."
   " She could have her bathroom ", said the Middle Head sensibly.
But nothing could stop Arriman, who stormed and ranted for another ten minutes. Then, turning suddenly very calm and pale, he said: " very well, I see that it is my duty."
     " A wise decision, sir , " said his secretary.
     " How can I choose? " Said Arriman. His voice was a mere thread. " It'll have to be a Todcaster witch, I suppose. Otherwise there's bound to be a bad feeling. But how do we decide which witch ? "

     " As to that, sir " said Leadbetter,
      " I have an idea. "