Alessia Russo x Ella Toone - The Winner Takes It All, The Loser Has to Fall.

Envy - pt 2.

The time was 4:23 pm, broad daylight streaming in through the open window of their hotel room, and Alessia Russo was having a nap.

Or, at least, she was trying to. The omnipresent itching sensation in her fingertips and relentless craving for a cigarette were putting a slight dampener on the nap. She was trying to quit.

She'd had an uncle, when she was younger, a fairly nice one, as uncles go, who'd tried to stop smoking in time for his fortieth birthday, and Alessia's fifth. Three days after she had had a football-princess (don't ask) themed party, he'd almost burnt the house down cause he'd fallen asleep chain-smoking half a pack. Alessia rolls over and ignores the ache in her lungs.

"LESS! I want- Oh, shit, sorry Lessi, were you sleeping?" Mary bursts through the door, disturbing the quiet, darkened hotel room Alessia had been trying to have a nap in.

"I mean, yeah, but I'm up now, it's fine." Alessia waves her off. She rubs a hand against the ache in her temples.

"Are you sure?" Mary hovers anxiously by the door. "Cause I can go- It's fine."

"Just sit down and say what you want to say, Christ, Mary. Don't just stand there, fussing." Alessia snaps. Mary sighs and sits down on the end of Alessia's bed.

"Ok, that's a dick move, but I'm gonna ignore that for now." She looks up at the blonde, gaze heavy. "We need to talk, Lessi. We can't just keep pretending like nothing's happening! I didn't mean to read those letters, and I'm sorry, but I can't just sit by and watch you.." She glances wildly around the room. "Fade away, like this."

Alessia groans and slumps backward, her frustration evident in her weary posture. "There's nothing to talk about. It's fine, I'm fine," she mutters, her voice tinged with a hint of exasperation. "Stop prying. Just mind your own business." Her words laced with subtle anger, she snaps defensively, her emotions bubbling to the surface.

"How am I supposed to mind my own business, Alessia? You wrote letters, to Tooney, saying you were in love with her! Saying you were going to starve yourself until you were perfect, until you were good enough for her. And, God, Less, I found out so much about you that I just had no idea about. It's like there's this whole other version of you, one that I don't recognize."

"That's not even true, Mary!" Alessia's eyes flash. "You, because you decided to go sneaking around my private letters, now know everything about me! What, you gonna berate me for not telling you about Tooney? or Em? Or the fact that even sitting at the breakfast table makes me want to rip out my fucking teeth to stop me from eating? Huh? That's got fuck all to do with you!" She pushes herself up off the bed. "Answer me, Mary."

"I just want you to be alright, Lessi," Mary says. "I never- I never knew you did this to yourself. How did I not realize?"

"You didn't realize because I didn't want you to realize. I'm an excellent liar, Mazza, don't blame yourself." Alessia groans, pacing the room. "Look, I was doing alright, for a while. I wasn't starving, I wasn't over-exercising, I wasn't counting calories. I wasn't perfectly healthy, but I was alright." Her tone is needlessly defensive, like Mary could ever be angry at her for something she could not control. "Then, a few months back, there was this girl, Ally - a fan's sister or something, I don't know, and she was so thin. She looked like she was about to fucking die, and I could count all of her ribs and thighs were smaller than my damn arms, Mary. I know she's unhealthy, I know she's probably dying and all her hair's falling out, but, my God," She sighs. "I want to fucking look like that. I need to look like that. I want to be almost dead, cause maybe then I'd actually feel fucking valid, for once. I just-" Her voice shakes. "I hate" She gestures to her body, pinching the fat and muscle of her stomach, leaving angry red blotches against her fair skin. Mary winces.

"This." Alessia continues. "All of this. All this fat, so much. I have to shower with the lights off, because even looking at myself makes me want to die. I've got Arsenal blocked on Twitter because sometimes they post pictures of me in training and I look like a damn whale. I don't own a single full-length mirror, I use my phone camera to do my makeup. I can't stand my body, Mary, I hate it so much." She draws in a ragged breath. She holds back the tidal wave of tears threatening to consume her. "And now you know, you know nearly everything - that I'm in love with Tooney, that I'm so pathetic I couldn't even lose weight like a normal person and-" She stops her frantic pacing, cutting herself off with one long, shaky, drawn in breath. She looks at Mary with pure fear in her eyes.

When she speaks again, her voice is almost silent. "Do you hate me?" She asks. She shrinks back under Mary's gaze.

"God, no, Lessi, why would you think that?" Mary says. She rushes to reassure the frightened blonde. "Of course not, I would never. I'm not going to get pissed at you cause you love Ella, or cause you dated a girl before, that's none of my business. I'm not angry at you, Lessi." Her voice is quiet. "I'm scared. It doesn't matter who you love, you could sleep with half of England, for all I care, and you'd still be my mate. But I do care that you're not eating. You need help, and I can't just sit by and watch you kill yourself. I love you, Alessia, you're my best friend." Her eyes start to well with tears, and Alessia hates herself for making the usually happy gk feel this way. She sits down on the cold floor and leans back against the bed, patting the empty space beside her and opening her arms. Mary crosses the room in three long strides and, ignoring Alessia's open arms, pulls the blonde close into her own embrace and hugs her tight.

"I'm not killing myself." Alessia whispers into Mary's neck. "I'm not. I just want to be pretty."

"You are so pretty, sweetheart, you're gorgeous, and it kills me that you can't see that." Alessia shakes her head silently, face still buried in the soft cotton folds of Mary's slightly damp shirt. "Don't shake your head, Lessi, I'm right. You're amazing, both inside and out."

" 'm not." The striker mumbles petulantly, "I'm fat and ugly."

"Well, that is just so incorrect I don't even know where to begin. You're a top athlete in peak physical condition, Alessia. You're not fat, you're toned and strong and hot as hell and anyone who can't see that is blind. And, Lessi." She says.

"Yeah?" The blonde whispers, you could be the fattest, ugliest, smelliest person on all of Earth and we'd still love you just the same. You know why?" Alessia shakes her head. "Because you're amazing. You're gorgeous sweetheart, inside and out. Me, Tooney, all the girls are here for you through it all, alright? You're stuck with us for life, I'm afraid." The goalkeeper says, stroking a hand through the marginally taller girl's hair.

"But that's not true, Mary." Alessia's voice and shoulders shake. She stains Mary's shirt with tears. "If I were skinnier, maybe Em wouldn't've left, maybe Tooney would actually fucking like me. Maybe I'd-"

"Alessia," The goalkeeper tips the blonde's head up to look into her blue, reddened eyes. "Listen to me, ok?" Her voice is gentle, softer than Alessia's ever heard it, maternal, even. "Em left because she was either too stupid or too blind to see how great you are, and that is her loss. Your weight is not, was not, and will never be, the issue." She pauses. "And, from the sounds of it." She sucks in a breath. "I hate to be cruel, love, but, from the sounds of things, you maybe didn't love her as much as you feel you should've, is that right?"

Alessia nods, almost guiltily. She sniffs. "Yeah." She mumbles. "You're right."

"Mhm. So, Less, I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I can promise you I'm going to try and help as much as I possibly can, yeah? We can start small, ok? I won't promise to be able to fix everything, but I can try my best. Me and you can get through this together." she nudges Alessia gently. "And also get me a clean shirt, you've got snot all over mine." Alessia grins. She looks like a shadow of her old self, but considerably brighter than when Mary entered the dark hotel room.

"Right." The goalkeeper says, slapping her knees and standing up. "Sarina's mandating some team bonding activities, so get ready for seven hours of obscure Dutch board games that Lotte's definitely going to win and Leah's definitely going to cheat at, and then four hundred rounds of cards, that Roebuck's going to win and Tooney's going to cheat at." Alessia lets out a small, damp laugh.
"Oh shit, I still need to change from training." Mary yelps." Love you, Alessia, but I have to dash." She hugs the blonde once more and bustles out of the room.