My fate

chapter 1: when to let go

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' How does one release the grasp on a dream long cradled in the depths of their soul?'

The air seemed different tonight, there's something indescribable about it.

It had a very light scent to it, like it's one of those fairly tranquil nights where nothing could ever go wrong,

I settled into my chair on the balcony, feeling the cool breeze and watching the world go by beneath me, looking over all the people walking and talking, some sitting, there's a couple feeding each other, i'd like to think that they have been together for a long time and their love never faded away; my eyes glance at an old man talking on his phone, he seemed to be on a video call but he looked like he might be struggling with that; i let out a giggle at that thought.

I liked to observe people and make little stories about them, something that could be completely wrong or maybe a bit close to their truths.

I once asked someone very dear to my heart, How do you know when to let go? Of something or someone?

And they said "you let go when your heart feels heavier than your body, when the weight in your heart surpasses the burden upon your shoulders".

That sentence stuck to me for the longest time.

I've always wondered what they meant by that, how can your heart, a part of your body feel heavier than your whole self?

I can't remember if I've ever had that feeling.

Of heaviness.

Although, it feels quite familiar to me for some reason but i can't really put my finger on it.

I don't think I've really let go of anything in my life, or did i? Who knows?

The thing is i have been diagnosed with glioblastoma, a type of brain tumor that grows quickly and can be very aggressive, common side effects may include headaches, seizures, changes in vision, speech difficulties, cognitive changes such as memory problems or confusion, and weakness or numbness in parts of the body. 

I have suffered memory loss already, during an accident just a few years ago, and it was hard to say the least but this..

this was new, different and scary.

Does my forgetfulness have to do with my illness, my accident or me blocking out the memories? i always wonder about that, i feel like a lot of parts in my life are missing.

Sometimes, and most of the time, i feel like i don't really know who i am, what am i capable of, how much love i can give, what do i want out of this life, do i still have the right to have a dream? Or would it be a waste of time and hope?

And there's a thought that's been lingering in my head.

Do i still have time to figure it all out?

"Athena".

A voice suddenly stopped swirling thoughts, "mom" i turned around, facing her.

"You're back" i said, she gave me a little smile, a different one, it's the only thing i've seen on her face lately.

It was a soft smile mixed with sympathy.