Ropes and Lace | MM Romance PREVIEW

Chapter 16 - Convince Me

How could I fall in love with Elliot so quickly?

I thought instant love only existed in sappy novels or corny movies. Still, it's obvious that my feelings for this enigmatic, complex man have mutated to such an extreme that I can't even pretend they're not there. The trauma of my past failures must have been enough for my heart to protect itself behind a sturdy titanium shield, ultimately barring access to any attempt at a romantic approach, even if it means condemning myself to a perennial and inescapable loneliness.

Because that would be preferable than being prejudiced, trampled on, again.

I always tried to know well my potential partners before committing to a relationship; months of open flirtations, promising conversations, and hopeful insinuations passed until I finally dared to ask them out to formalize the bond because I didn't want to risk discovering unpleasant surprises later, when it would already be too late. However, that was exactly what happened. The disappointment was easy to assimilate, but the suffering, the degradation, the verbal and psychological abuse, and the dissolution of something that, from my perspective, should've been permanent under the right, healthy circumstances, wasn't.

This thing with Elliot hasn't been progressive at all, nor did I intend or struggle for it to develop. From the first time our gazes connected, anxiety, uncertainty and fear have plagued me relentlessly. Of course, for the most part, it's been because I couldn't afford to lose a job with such a good salary, never mind that I was in danger of having a stroke with every explicit scene I had to capture. It's as if I were tiptoeing on eggshells, teetering on the desperate border between longed-for financial solidity and nightmarish poverty. However, his unbearable mind games, maddeningly volatile personality, and infuriating manipulative tactics have contributed to mixing up my emotions to such an extent that I find it difficult to distinguish which is which.

But on the other hand...

On the other hand, there are those elusive occasions when his true essence surfaces, where he shows me genuine smiles and his beautiful green irises light up with affection. Where he vocalizes my name as a tender caress and not a weapon, forcing me to obey even against my will. Where he reveals his darkest secrets and doesn't take advantage of his authority to deceive me. Where he assures me in a soothing whisper that it's okay to be the way I am, that I'm perfect like this. Where I fantasize about a future where we can be together, even though such a mirage leaves me helpless on the front lines. And that last one terrifies me. I've been in that position, and it's devastating.

Because I don't love half-heartedly, I'm simply not programmed that way.

But if I failed in such a pitiful and crushing way when I thought I was aware of all the flaws and virtues of my previous lovers; when desire clouded my judgment and I mistakenly visualized that there was nothing more to find out; when I trusted without restraint, without caution, and gave myself over completely, omitting that I had accidentally drawn a target on my back... how is it possible that what Elliot and I have works? Will it be destined for disaster without ever having had a chance to begin? Am I just another victim of the illusion of fabricated intimacy he mentioned? I've been working as his photographer for less than a week. This is the second day of my unofficial contract as his nurse, tomorrow I finally get to go home.

What will happen then?

Will we go back to our original boss/employee arrangement?

I won't be able to... I won't be able to touch him, kiss him, again?

"Damn it, Ashton, you're giving me a headache," Elliot grumbles, massaging his temples in a circular motion, while I slowly sober up, materializing back to the present as if awakening from an extended slumber.