Kyran and Odium

1

I breathe him in as he walks by me, immediately berating myself for doing so. The way his clean, messy hair catches the light makes me feel things I really don't want to. I look down and try to keep my mind present.

It's something I've always hated about myself: how much I notice, how much every little thing affects me. True, it makes the pleasant times feel euphoric, but it also makes...literally everything else feel excruciating. I feel like I'm the only person on the planet whose brain functions this way and I'm convinced that feeling this along will be my fate rest of my life.

Abruptly, a large shadow appears to my right, stretching from the floor to the ceiling in my periphery. It reaches over me and I swear I feel it gently caress my face. I stop suddenly to look around, ready to fight. Cadets are always playing tricks on each other at the academy, trying to knock any prospective competition off their game. I examine my surroundings carefully, but don't detect anything of concern. People are meandering through the halls, the shadows in their usual form. I keep myself on high alert just in case and keep walking.

I round the corner and make my way through the halls of the college, savouring its unique beauty as I do so. It's a brutal place, and its architecture reflects that. Hard lines, unyielding stone, massive columns that give way to a brutal scenery of mountains and stormy skies. I wouldn't have it any other way. I always feel more calm here, close to the courtyard, savouring the breeze on my skin and the sense of awe that the mountainous landscape affords me.

Still, though, there's that familiar ache in my mind, insatiable and ever present. It's been with me since I was a child: a puzzle I can never quite solve, a pain that never quite heals. Where it comes from I've never known. A feeling of darkness, of something being profoundly wrong with me. A gnawing, gaping wound in my mind that prevents me from ever feeling truly happy. It's another source of loneliness for me - I've always found it distinctly difficult to relate to others who don't seem to have the same mental torture playing out in their mind at all hours of the day. It feels like I'm keeping some dreadful, horrible secret.

I shake my head, willing myself to practice the mindset techniques we've been learning in class. Nothing in your head is real. I recite to myself. Focus on what you can feel, touch, taste, smell, and hear. The here and now. That's what's real. It's the only thing that's real.

As I continue to walk, I swear I can still feel the presence of the shadow moving beside me, following my every step. As time passes, I realize that it doesn't much matter to me whether it's a cruel trick from a class mate or that of my own mind. The yawning chasm in my mind is softened by the shadow, somehow. It's oddly comforting.

My pulse skyrockets as I turn a corner and see what's front of me. Him. Here. Again. Leaned against a banister lazily, as if out of a mirage. I do a double take and look behind me quickly, confused.

Am I seeing things? Wasn't he was just behind me, waking past me in the opposite direction?

I shake my head. Between this and the shadows, I need to get a grip. Clearly my lack of sleep has escalated into full blown hallucinations. That can't be a sign of anything good, can it? I keep my head down and keep walking, willing myself not to look at him as I walk by.

"Do you really think you're that alone?" I hear a velvety voice purr from behind me, jolting me from my racing thoughts. His voice.

I slow a little, but keep walking. There's no way that voice is directed at me.

Stay present. I repeat to myself. Touch, taste, smell, feel, hear.

The voice chuckles from behind me. It sounds closer than before.