Only If You Had Been There...

Chapter 1: 23rd July

POV: Tanmay

I sat in one corner of the class. Scribbling, silently scribbling.

That's all I used to do: scribble and more scribble. 

I glanced at the back of the girl's head sitting in front of me. The clique hair, the way it fell in perfect waves around her shoulders, the way she used to dress, the way her elegant fingers wrapped around that ink pen, and the way her sweet voice reverberated always used to catch my attention.  

All of it fascinated me.

As the teacher at the front of the class kept going on about her class, my mind drifted to her. Would she ever notice my sitting behind her, scribbling away in my own little world?

I glanced down at my notebook, filled with doodles and caricatures, and half-written poems that didn't even make sense. I glanced down at my watch. 

The class had been going on for about an hour now and I, like a lonely soul, had been sitting and doing nothing. I looked up at Aahana in the front, focused on her work. How could she be so involved in that one page of a notebook?

I could see a small twig stuck in her silky hair. What should I do? Should I tell her? Would she even pay attention to me? 

Before I could even think about doing something, I went ahead to pick out the distraction among those beautiful strands of silk. I reached out and picked it off her hair.

She shuddered and turned around.

MY HEART SKIPPED A BEAT. Blood flowed into my brain as it went, "Holy, hell. That is the most beautiful person I have seen in my life." I didn't know it was possible for me to ever have this reaction. 

"I'm so sorry, there was a twig in your hair. Sorry, A- Aahana," I carefully pronounced her name, showing her the twig.

She laughed. "It's fine, thanks," She said as she took the twig from my fingers.

A sudden shock went through me at the touch of her fingers. Her index finger slightly brushed mine, like the breeze grazing through the corn fields.

Maybe one day, I would gather the courage to share my thoughts with her. But for now, I remained contented watching her from afar, lost in the world of my creations, of my dreams.

I watched as she got back to work, a playful smile gracing her lips. She was like a ray of sunshine amidst the clouds of doom that my life presented, illuminating every single speck of my time.

As the bell rang, signalling the end of the class, she rose and stepped out of her bench. Aahana was not in my class. She was here to take an extra lecture because she was absent the day before. She left the class after thanking the teacher.

Immediately, I felt a pang of regret wash over me. 

Maybe I should have said more, tried to initiate a conversation and bridge the gap between us. But fear held me back, keeping me rooted to the spot as she disappeared from my sight.

After that encounter, I found myself unable to focus on anything else for the rest of the day. Aahana's laughter echoed in my ears, her smile etched into my memory like a masterpiece printed on a canvas.

I kept replaying the brief interaction we had over and over in my mind, dissecting every moment, every gesture, every word, searching for hidden meanings, if something meant something. All in vain.

Mrs. Edwards called me out at the end of the class.

"Tanmay, I'd like to speak to you in private," She said, her voice grim.

I walked outside the class, waiting for her to catch up with me. She came out after a minute.

"Are you facing any trouble?" She asked. "What is going on? You're always distracted, drawing doodles and scribbling in your book. How are you planning to take your exams?"

I stayed silent.

Mrs. Edward's concern weighed heavily on me as I struggled to find the right words to explain myself. But little did I realise that there were no right words. I must not defend myself here. This would be my last year in high school, I had to get serious.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Edwards," I finally managed to say, my voice barely above a whisper. " I... I guess I get lost in my thoughts sometimes."

Mrs. Edwards studied me for a while, her expression softening with time. "Tanmay, I know high school can be hard and overwhelming, and we all have our ways of coping. But it's important to find a balance. Your exams are coming up, and I want to ensure you're prepared."

Her words struck a chord within me, reminding me of the time when I used to sit with my dad, putting in everything to solve those hard sums. 

"I'll try harder, Mrs. Edwards," I promised earnestly. "I won't let you down."

She nodded, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. "I believe in you, Tanmay. Reach out if you need anything." She left saying this.

                                                                                               *

I rushed back home, the weight of the day's events heavy on my shoulders, each step feeling like a burden as I trudged along the familiar streets.

My mental state was a mess. People say, "it's normal to experience conflicting emotions in your teenage." 

However, how would a person who has already reached the adult stage would relate to a teenager now?

I was torn between the choices of wanting to be somewhere in life and wanting someone in life. 

On one hand, I yearned to find my place in the world. But on the other hand I wanted someone to fill the place reserved in my world. 

It so happened that the past few months weren't easy on me.

I've never had much of a 'bond' with my dad. And as I reached the edge of teenage, it worsened. There isn't a day that a quarrel wouldn't break out between me and dad. We clashed over the smallest of things, our arguments leaving scars that ran deep. 

Mom was torn apart, taking sides between me and my dad. 

I often restricted myself to the confines of my room, silently drawing or reading. I retreated to the sanctuary of my room, the familiar sights and sounds leading me to a place of peace and solace.

Books were not my usual refuge, but in moments like these, they offered an escape from the harsh realities of life. I reached for a well-worn, pages torn and ceased from countless reading, and allowed myself to be carried away in the fragrance of the fresh parchment.

And for now, that was enough.