The closed curtains

Chapter 3

I was back in the dormitory in the military. I was physically exhausted, but could not sleep. A thousand thoughts went on in my mind. It was Erik's birthday after midnight. If he had lived, he would have turned twentyfour. He never became older than twenty. I could not imagine it all being over. Not now. My life had just begun. His life had just begun. And then it was over in matters of minutes. No one really knew what had actually happened. Why his car ended up going right into a big oak tree. It had not been icy or bad weather. But he loved going fast. And I had encouraged him. I remembered myself sitting in the passenger seat telling him to go faster. I had regretted that, since the day I got that terrible phone call. I saw that Simon was online. It was a green little dot next to his profile picture. He had clearly noticed that I was online too.

"Can't sleep?" He texted me. I answered I could not. He asked me if I could find somewhere to talk. I replied that I would. I made my way down the bunk bed as quiet as I could. I left the dormitory and went towards the bathrooms. I sat down on the lid of the toilet and locked the door. Then I called Simon. Felt the tears running down my cheeks.

"Hi," I said.

"Are you crying?" Simon said. He must have heard me sobbing and my voice cracking as I tried to say something. He knew what day it was. Why I was upset.

"Yeah," I replied. I needed him. A hug and his lips on my forehead. His soft voice singing Erik's favourite song to me. "I miss you."

"Sweetheart, I wish I was there so that I could hold you," Simon said on the other side of the phone.

"I wish you could hold me too," I said. I felt the anxiety build up in my chest. It felt heavy to breathe.

"Has your anxiety been bad tonight?" Simon asked. He knew the ins and outs of me. He could tell, just by the tone of my voice, what I was feeling. If my anxiety was bothering me.

"Mhm," I hummed into the phone. Tried to calm myself down by rubbing my chest.

"Do you want me to distract you or do you want to talk about it?" he replied.

"Distraction, please," I replied. He talked calmly with me. Asked me what I heard, what I could see, what I could feel and taste. Tried to help me ground myself.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too, Wille," Simon replied. "To the moon and back. And back again." That made me chuckle. He was so silly. I loved that about him.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you," I said.

"You are one of the kindest, sweetest and funniest people I know. You are my best friend, the love of my life, my future husband and the future dad to my children," Simon said. We had never discussed getting married or having children. But I knew that it would be him I would like to do that with. "So you better deserve me, honey."

"You have planned a long time ahead I hear," I said, a little teasing in my tone. Simon laughed a little. Lighthearted and sweet. It made me smile. His laugh was contagious and soon I was laughing a little with him.

"Oh yes. It is you or no one," Simon said.

"I wish Erik would have met you," I said. It was the first mention of Erik, who was the reason I kept Simon awake. He never mentioned Erik first. It was important to him that it was always on my terms. It was my loved one. My loss. I showed him the same respect when it came to his dad. We knew that we could tell each other everything, but sometimes you just did not feel like talking about something.

"I wish I had met him too," Simon replied. "From what you have told me, he seems to have been a great person and a great brother." He had been the best brother. More sensitive to my feelings than our parents sometimes were. Always supportive and fun.