Her Story

Chapter 18

Warnings - self doubt, anger, depression, anxiety and possibly more sensitive topics
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"Darling it's okay, let it out" Draco said

I shook my head and went to pull away but he didn't let go.

"Let go damn it, just let go" I hissed

I fought but he only held me closer as I hit him and then with one look I broke. I screamed into his chest and cried nearly falling but he held me up.

"It's my fault it's all my fault" I cried

"Shhh it's not, your ok, your going to be ok" Draco cooed trying to sooth me

Eventually i drifted off to sleep slightly as I felt him pick me up and then softly set me on what I assumed was my bed. I felt the bed dip beside me and he pulled me to his chest and I fell into a deep sleep to the sound of his heartbeat.
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Theo's POV

I wasn't ready, wasn't prepared to send a letter but Draco hadn't been around all day. Not for classes even and when I asked our friends they said he didn't tell them anything. No one knew where he was, but a feeling crept inside that told me I did. I did in fact know where he ran off to, he went to see her. To see trinity because of my actions, he probably told her all about it. The past week has been hard and I won't lie, I've been distant from the group and sadder than usual. But she felt the same way about me as I did her and we both were oblivious to the others feelings. But do I want to marry her because I was told I had to. Do I want to be with her forever, have kids together and make memories further after school.

Fuck yeah I do, but why can't I bring myself to letter her pack, or try and see her or something. Something was holding me back whatever it was I didn't know. Maybe I did know and just refused to admit it but I didn't know as of now. I needed her yet she needed space I knew that, her parents died I understand that feeling. The guilty feeling, feeling as though your not enough or didn't do enough to help. That maybe you could have saved them in some way but in reality you couldn't change the outcome no matter how hard you tried. I knew that feeling all to well because I felt it when my mother died. Yet here I am being selfish and not helping her like she helped me. Now she's got Draco and she probably thinks differently of me now.

Maybe she won't want me as an option anymore, the thought hurt like hell. Although I knew it was a possibility that she changes her mind. But if she doesn't choose someone outside of Draco by fifth year which isn't far along. Then in the end she's going to marry him anyway, so what's the point in trying if I don't know what I want. Yes, I want her, yes I need her, but can I make her happy for the rest of our lives. That I don't know the answer to and it freaks me the fuck out above everything else. But I knew she'd be back, I knew it would be sooner than the two weeks she was given. I also had a deep feeling she would have changed over the course of the week she's been gone. Yeah it was only a week but someone can change a lot within that timeframe.

I did, I changed and by the end of three days of my mums death and it haunts me still. Nothing I can do about it now, changing back to my old ways isn't an option anymore. It's long gone and I'm a shell of the person I was before my mother died last year. And now I felt terrible because trinity was by my side the entire time I was changing and we got closer than ever. Annoyingly close because she literally refused to leave me alone other than sleeping but still she stayed in the room with me. The nights we cuddled, those were the best because I felt comfort in her embrace. I felt love the kind of love you can't get from your mother and it scared me at first. Of course, it scared me at first I was only just realizing my feelings the true feelings for her.

I mean if I didn't love her then why would I notice everything about her to the point someone would say I'm obsessed with her. I knew every small tick she had, what signs gave away that she was going through something. What it looked like when she was about to go numb and push down her feelings. How she taps her fingers on the desk and bites her lip when thinking deeply about things. How she gets upset when someone hurts her family and friends she is closest to. How she is the most mischievous person in Slytherin that he knows. How she can be sweet, to her laugh and the different smiles she has. The forced ones, the meaningful ones, the ones where she knows she is about to cry or about to laugh.

I knew the scars she carried, the abilities she had and how she always told me some were harder to control than others. I was the first person other than her parents to know at first that she could speak parseltongue. That whenever she was so focused on something and someone brought her out of it, it wasn't a pretty sight to witness. That she could fight her own battles and definitely win them all without even the need for violence. She would if needed get her hands dirty and wouldn't mind the blood or pain as long as she could get back up. As long as those she cared for were safe she would do anything and that worried me too.