First Light

72 the picture

9th of June 2022 (the following week)

Her funeral is today. I don't want to go, not because I don't want to pay my respects, but because if I go it is like I am saying good-bye to her. Like I have to accept the fact that she is gone and that there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I don't want to say good-bye to her.

Her parents are holding the ceremony in some sort of religious setting, even though she is not religious. I mean, not in the traditional "heaven and hell" type of sense, she does believe in reincarnation, but that's it. But that's more related to Hinduism and Buddhism, rather than Christianity.

Apart from her parents, there is only one other person sitting in the family row at the front - who I'm assuming is Faye's grandma. I'm surprised her parents even let friends attend. I'm sat next to Jonah, who brought me here, along with my parents and his parents. I couldn't even look my family in the eye when they got here, and my dad tried to say something but no words came out. He and Laila both hugged me, and I let them, but I didn't want to be hugged. I don't want to be touched by anyone.

Georgina's family are sitting in the row in front of us, along with Mikel. I know she spoke to Jonah but I tuned her out so I have no idea if any of it was directed to me. That's not her fault, though. I just don't want to talk to anyone, and Georgina's face will just make me feel worse about myself and what happened. I wonder if she blames me, even a little bit.

Bastien is sitting in the row on the opposite side of the room. I saw him come in and shake Faye's parents' hands, along with her grandmother's. They may have felt a sense of happiness that they could speak in French.

There are other people here that I don't recognise, a few adults who are sitting in groups. They might be teachers, or family friends, I'm not sure.

Once everyone is settled, the priest begins speaking. Her full name sounds funny in his mouth. I don't like it. Once he starts reciting bible verses and how it was God's decision to take her from us, I stop listening.

Georgina had asked me if I wanted to give a eulogy, as she was asked by Faye's parents to give one herself. I had declined. I don't know what I could possibly say that would amount to the person Faye is, how she makes me feel.

Georgina is up there now, on the stand, but I know that if I listen to her words, there is a high chance that I will just get up and leave. I am too overwhelmed at having seen the coffin, lying at the front, knowing Faye is trapped inside. The flowers next to her aren't even her favourites. I have her orange alstroemerias clutched in my hands, to give them something to do so no one notices how much they are shaking.

When everyone stands up, I realise that the ceremony must be over, and I stand up, too, following Jonah outside. The sun is hot, beating down on the black clothes I'm wearing. It took everything in me not to wear something green.

Everyone is led to a section of the burial grounds to where the grave will be. The coffin is resting beside it, waiting to be lowered down into the ground. She won't want to be in the ground.

"She doesn't want to be buried." I say quietly before I can stop myself.

I don't think anyone has heard me until her mum takes a couple steps towards me.

"Excuse me?" She says.

The annoyance in her tone is what stops me from staying silent.

I repeat myself, louder, so there's no way she won't be able to hear me.

"She won't like it. She's going to be trapped under all that soil forever!"

My voice kept rising until I have practically shouted at her parents when the last syllable leaves my mouth. They are staring at me in utter shock and outrage.