A simple swipe right. It was supposed to be a one time thing. No names or numbers. Just a location and some quick f*ckery. How was I to know he was a billionaire inventor who wanted more?
I'm Sacramento with a cowbell. He's San Francisco with a pent...
Heron Hibernia Tower underground parking San Francisco California one hour after hook up. And I was still stuck in that moment before.
A hookup, am I doing it again? I'd never been about hookups, I had the same boyfriend in college. Same guy in high school until he moved away senior year. Fear swelled in my stomach because I've had a pattern like this before.
The mirror in the little school bus was tiny. I lift my phone and take a picture to send to my mom and grandma. The sent text sound goes off. I put the phone down on the bottom bunk bed right next to my clutch. Mirrors don't lie and when I look at myself in the looking glass I see no fairy princess. I know I should, I'm dressed up as one for the event. My hair is down out of the braids and going everywhere like my hair has always done. The natural curl spiral is nearly ethereal in the beaded dress. Pretty pearl earrings are my only jewelry. A sheer gray blue sequined gown with little crystals my friends helped me put in. The damn gown flowed and fluttered with long drawn out cuffs. It could be like something out of a picture book or a Disney movie. With my thick thighs peaking out sexy from the dress. Floor length with a slight train flowy bottom. The dress can pass for an up-and-coming designer dress from Maiden Lane or Rodeo Drive. This elegant woman in the pretty dress is me. I wish I could make myself believe that but I saw myself in the mirror. Not in the blue-gray dress but in a sundress or my work overalls pulling up weeds.
I should see at the very least a fairy barbie CEO princess right? But even that was so unlike me my mind automatically threw it away.
No, a vision of myself on the stage and imploding. I see the little girl in the mirror who waited by a black corded phone in the kitchen. Waiting for my father to call every Thursday once per week. Sat down at that kitchen chair watching the phone and smiling at my mom like I wanted to be there. The calls got fewer and fewer. When I was fifteen everything changed because of his other family. It wasn't all the time, but it was enough for me to notice. A cycle of self-destruction–. because part of me... Because if he gave a damn about me he would have called right. I grimace at the memory. The mistake stuck in my throat and that vulnerability of a young kid who didn't get it.
My forehead breaks out into a sweat ruining my makeup.
Mom took me to therapy. A well-dressed woman telling me about self-sabotage. How destructive habits build on themselves. She told me about recovery. I did recover. Mom, like other things, busted her ass to get me to therapy. It was just like how she busted her ass to make sure I got braces we couldn't really afford. I knew even as a kid I had to make damn sure it wasn't going to waste.
The phone chirps, and I grab it on the bunk bed. Then two arrows together keep blinking green. The male arrow blinks with an outline of green. The screen pops up with a second date. I'm not sure that you can call random fucking a date but the app sure likes its illusions sometimes. But wait is it less random the second time you fuck the same random guy? My stomach tightens in that same self-destructive way I got when I was a kid. Blow off this awards dinner, my finger hovers over the option. The outline green arrow attached to mine blinks on the dating app.
I had a guy high then he left and all the air got sucked out of the room in his wake. Not that I was feeling too confident going into it. I should have said more did more. Hey Mr. Mystery man now that we are done fucking random how about a beer? Errr... and the Thank you at the end. Really telling him thank you was the best smooth move I had. Hi, I'm never gonna meet you again and thanks for one of the best fuckings of my lifetime. P.S. mind if I sit on your face? I put my hot head against the cool wood of the bunk beds. My mind is going in a hundred different directions than it should be. I look at that sexy arrow that could lead me down a path I worked my ass off to avoid and press the swipe left on the app. It clears his arrow off the screen leaving mine turned Red all by itself.
Focus on this awards dinner. Focus.
The door to the bus opens up and Toni walks in. She is striking in a red evening pants suit satin gown with a train. Her curves are on full display and she works that train for all it's worth. Foehawk style hair up due. With matching red shoes she's looking fly.
"You're going to ruin your makeup," She was right.
"I'm sorry." It wasn't the first time I said that to her.
"It's all right Ke, really the hard part was getting here. And we are here girl," she's right but I can't help that feeling I let her down. Toni could be working at a large tech company instead of with me. "You did a good job, got most of it out."
I didn't tell her about my self-destructive relapse. But calling it a relapse might have been giving it more credit than it was. I wasn't really sure. Can I have random sex without it being self-destruction? I was in a relationship for years but what happened felt different. It had an edge to it.
"No, I fucked up," and I was saying it about both things at once. He was a bad bad man, and I believed him in my gut when he told me. And I kept going anyway. I launch myself into the flame like no tomorrow. All these self destructive steps before he even showed up. "Ya, fucked up." I repeated it again, so I'd understand what I did. Going through the steps in my mind like my therapist taught me all those years ago. I'd always kept in contact from time to time. Showing up twice per year just as a checkup.
"Maybe a little but you got the idea out there and that's what counts. I just finished things up." Toni interrupted my thoughts, cutting me off from my own recrimination. In all that evening gown finery she came over to me and we hugged. It was what I needed. We have both grown up as black women in America. Every once in a while, combined with my bad habits being in recovery. I get this overwhelming feeling that we don't get second chances or mistakes. Maybe that took me over on stage, and the hookup was me self-destructing again. Or... at least playing at the edge of self destruction again. I'm going to have to see my therapist again. Thankfully, that hug was probably what we both needed. The high stakes have a way of breaking you down.
Toni steps back, and we get ourselves together. "Let's do this," she extended her hand, and I took it. With thirty minutes until the start of the awards ceremony, it's cutting it close. We lock up the school bus so that no one would steal it. It's probably not a priority with all these supercars, town cars, and electric cars. They were lined up in the underground garage. Toni and I head for the elevator that's big enough to hold a car. It's decked out for the awards ceremony with a red carpet inside. The doors to the elevator closed, and we rose into the San Francisco night sky.
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A:n - I'm going to try for an extra chapter. Thank you for the show of support on this new project. I'm so pumped I'm so so pumped.
Noah - update for my Noah readers. I'm only 8 chapters into my free write. I did most of the major crying in jagged ugly tears scene encluding part of the ending. Which is the slower parts. But this is probaly going to be around 30-40 chapters so we have a lot to go.
The Tour - update - WELLLLLLLLL tour readers. For some reason the book started popping off during black history which shocked me. I thought maybe I and a few other long time readers where the only ones into it. It's a concept book so maybe just I dunno. But then it poped off. I'd been nibbling away at the tour for about 8 months because even if only 4 readers wanted to read the next book I was writing it because I love The Tour. I've got about 14 of the 45 or so chapters done. I'm going to try and rush this one. But not super rushy because frankly it's a free write. And I want to get some more feedback on the Tour ending. Because for some reason no one post comments after that scene YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKING ABOUt where it blows wide. People always give stars but the comments stop and I don't know what to make of it to be honest.
thank you for the support, yall are dear to me :).
