My Love

Chapter 5

I stare at my ceiling, thinking of my interaction with Logan yesterday, surprisingly I am not repulsed by him when I think of him anymore. I heard the sound of raindrops hitting our rooftop, and quickly glanced at my window, guess I won't be going to the park today.I sigh, I wanted to talk to Logan about the portrait he asked me to do, I find my brain saying that's not the only reason I want to talk to him, and that I enjoy his company, but I ignore it completely. I certainly can't begin to enjoy his company can I? I mean he is insufficient and makes me feel confused most of the time, why on earth would I enjoy someone like that's company?

As my mind ponders more about a damned boy, I hear my brother knocking on my door. "Can I come in?" I hear him ask through the door. I reply with a simple yes, causing him to open the door and enter my room.

I see him looking around surprised at the state of my room, paintbrushes everywhere and drawing lying around on my floor. My room is never, and I mean never like this, so I get his shocked expression because it has never in my entire life looked like this. My mind has gone into overdrive and I just couldn't get myself to put away my things, my god what's wrong with me? All of the sudden a wave of embarrassment flows through me but before my mind goes into a spiral Ezekiel speaks, silencing my brain.

"Mom says you've been ranting about that boy again, want to tell me what's that about?"he asks. Of course my mom sent him to do her dirty work, I mentioned him once and suddenly she is finally getting her dream of me being 'normal' and 'liking' guys. I mentally roll my eyes at her antics. She has always been there for me through everything and has never made me feel like I'm different but I know when it came to those teenage years she wanted to experience having a normal daughter, and believe I tried to do it, gossip, go to the nail salon with her but at the end of the day the gossip got boring and my nails got chipped the very next day after doing them.

He sits down next to where I am laying on my bed, patiently waiting for an answer, one thing I have always liked about my brother is that he has always been so patient with me, I know me having autism is hard on everyone around me sometimes and I wish it wasn't, but with him he has always understood and never made me feel different or like I don't belong. I am tremendously thankful for him. Although, that being said because of that we are really close, meaning, I can't lie to him even if I tried.

"Ughh"I groan putting my face in my pillow, "I guess I kind of like his company..."I mumble into my strawberry pattern pillow. "What was that I didn't quite hear you?"he says with a hint of smugness and even though I didn't see his face I know it has a big fat grin on plastered on it

I lift my head up, and grumble,"I said I guess I kind of like his company, are you happy?"I see his lips turning up into a grin, "And why do you seem unhappy about this? It sounds like a good thing, and hey you finally made a friend!" I want to say I do have friends but I guess he and my mom doesn't really count do they, I mean uncle Rick and I are friends so at least that's one friend.

"Well for starters he is always disrupting my routines, which I do not appreciate. He seems to always want to have a conversation and asks the most unintelligent questions, he has this obnoxiously perfect smile and grin that never leaves his face for some reason. His eyes remind  me of a Northern blue butterfly, which I use to associate with you but now every time I draw or paint them I think of him. He drives a car for a living, which by the way is actually the most disturbing thing ever! His phone is set to a really annoying ringtone that scares the butterflies. He always say goodbye to me when we part ways, I never say it back though, maybe I should, I don't know okay?! And lastly he makes me confused with my emotions, more than usual, I have never been like this with other people so what makes him so different! I just don't understand." I finish my rant, completely out of breath by how fast I talked.

I feel my cheeks once again have turned hot, just another thing I don't understand. Am I getting sick? Is that what it is?So many questions yet I can't find answers for any of them.

I look at Ezekiel, he has this look on his face, that look someone gives you when trying to say 'I know something you don't.' Despite this I completely ignore it. I already have to figure out what Logan wants and why he is making me think so much of him when I don't want to, I do not think my brain can handle trying to figure out my brother's emotions as well.

"Okay, well look at it this way maybe this is a good thing don't you think? Try and be nice to him and don't let yourself push down the emotions and feelings, I know it can be hard but feel it, just allow yourself to feel it, believe me in the future you're going to thanks me for it."He says, giving me a smile and leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Just allow myself to feel it?

Just allow myself to feel it.

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Author here:
Thank you for reading I appreciate it! I would love to know your thoughts about the book so far and also if you guys would like longer chapters, but then it would just take longer to upload, so idk😭love you lots <3