Back around the beginning of the school year I remember how miserable I was feeling, and it didn't help that I was feeling like shit way before school started. I don't know if it was obvious already but I was very depressed at the time. I started self harm to cope with my feelings, now i regret it because i now have scars on my thighs. I felt like I had no one irl to talk to about how I felt, and i wanted to tell you, but at that time I refused to say anything, and I felt like you were really distant after school started. I mean yeah because you're busy with school, but like even when you weren't busy with school. You made me feel like you didn't want to talk to me sense you were getting attention from Sasha and hanging out with your irl friends. I have nothing against the way you live your life but still, it hurted alot.
I think around November there was a time where I was constantly crying over you and I thought about drinking alcohol because I didn't want to feel so miserable.
It's funny how you didn't notice, I mean I NEVER drink alcohol, I hate it. I kept crying over and over again because I felt like you didn't like talking to me as much as you did with everyone else. I always felt like you were happier with others but the moment it came to me it was like, yeah whatever. I wanted that same attention that you gave to your friends, and I wanted you to be happy and joke around with me like you did with them, or atleast how you used to text me in the past. I didn't think you were going to though. I missed when you enjoyed my company and actually looked forward to talking to me. I felt like u cared sm about me and I barely feel like anyone cares about me irl. At night I'd thinking things like, 'well, maybe if I'm more likable to you you'll actually enjoy talking to me again.
I would be stalking your socials to see if you're active and only end up getting my feelings hurt. It became a bad habit but I'm kinda used to it by now. Out of all those monthes I think december was the worst. Back in december I felt u were pretty busier then usual, and I knew it was sometimes because you were out with friends, or hanging out with Sasha. I remember asking once about school and you mentioned Sasha lmfaooooo
I tried to stay calm that week despite feeling like shit, but then you trolled me and I snapped. I think you being with Sasha was the one thing I was afraid of because I didn't want to lose you. I said it didn't bother me but it really did. I was jealous and angry, and I couldn't stop trembling and crying, it felt like you had went and dated him even after I told you how miserable i was felt sense we were kinda distant and had dry conversations. I thought, 'well sense you're supposedly dating him, you'll be paying alot more attention to him, you wouldn't really care if I was gone or not. Part of me thought you would care if I was gone but wtv, then I left Instagram for a bit and used a break as an excuse to why I left. When i got back I had checked your profile and thought you had removed me from your close friends so I immediately broke down over that LMFAOOO
It kinda confused me as to why you were upset when I left, well idk if you were, probably not, but your text felt like it. You never actually apologized for trolling me to be honest. After that I started puposely taking hours to respond to your messages, well not right away but over time yeah. I had attempted to kill myself because I was so stressed out from everything and I felt like no one cared or payed attention to me. So yeah for new years I was supposed to be dead. "Ohhh what are you gonna do this year?!" Well I didn't really know because I want to be dead! 😃
I didn't want to live in 2024, I was not happy at all but sense I was alive I had to pretend like I was happy for new years day. These past couple months I was in a depressing mood aswell, not as bad though. I mean February I was having a breakdown over you again and I cried over you the day before you went on my genshin account. Yes I cry way too much over you. I've wanted to be mad at you, but I can't really bring myself to, and whenever you text me I forget I'm mad. Also i don't know if you noticed but I usually avoid messages when i don't know what to say. That's why I would sends reels or say hey so it didn't come off like I don't want to talk to you, but I geunially don't know htf to start a conversation.
(I know this isn't a poem but it doesn't matter)
