𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐅𝐄𝐂𝐓 𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐄 | ♡

ch. 1 - how Jesus set me free

I was a kid, young and careless. I was in the stage where I was just trying out things, beginning to form in my mind, right from wrong, even if it wasn't actually correct at times. Growth will take place in every child, but at that point in my life, I didn't realize I was taking steps closer to the path headed to hell and I didn't share my struggles with my parents either.

At a young age, I'd been introduced to this girl in elementary school that was seduced by the Devil into believing she had romantical feelings towards girls and I was influenced by her presence in my life and I normalized this for her even though I thought it was wrong. In the end I began to even question if I too was that way and why it would be wrong in the first place. Even though my gut told me it was wrong, which I now know was conviction from God, I didn't know what to do so I gave in and the devil got me, he had me wrapped around his finger and I didn't even know it.

Later on into Middle School, I identified myself as gay (or to be specific bisexual/pansexual) and I turned away from God, I never truly had a relationship with him in the first place anyway and because my faith was not built on a firm foundation I was drug deeper into sin due to the grip the devil had on my heart and my own sinfulness. My ears truly didn't want to listen to truth but rather what my flesh wanted. I started to become depressed and have idols that I didn't even know were idols in my life but I placed them before God. And I began to hate Christianity and God all due to how I perceived it, when truly God was running after me with open arms shouting, "Child come home!"

I was obsessed with, (this might get some of y'alls attention) anime specifically and the characters. Now I'm not saying that all anime is bad but my obsession with anime was off the charts and it was because I longed for love, so I clung to these characters and I became so so sad because they weren't real. Yet in my head the only love I felt I could receive then was fake love. I was trying to fill a hole in my heart that only Jesus couldve filled in the first place. Later on the same thing happened with other movie characters so it is just proof that anything can become an idol in your life if you allow it to; sometimes you won't even realize it so be careful of what you allow in your mind because your diet is not just food. Much of my problem was also that I had the wrong mindset.

I became consumed in lust, pornography, and just a bunch of sin. I was truly in a really dark place and the devil thought he had me for good. Later on I also got a boyfriend and as any other relationship can, it ended. I was hurt and it plunged me back into depression that I already tried to crawl out of myself. I gradually continued to become a horrible person and I didn't even realize what all of this worldly stuff was doing to me or that all of it was because I didn't have Jesus in my life to navigate it and give me purpose.

Later on I begin to feel worthless and I wanted to be societys "normal" because I had heard Jesus was coming back soon, (although we should not try to fit in to the toxicity of society but rather follow Jesus and what he wants for us and live by his word!) so I thought "Yeah, maybe I'll try this Jesus thing again." So I tried to stop the feelings I had for girls but it continued on into high school. It was like I was at the same place I was when I was trying to get rid of it and all I knew to do was to give in, at the beginning.

I couldn't do it myself and so one night I talked to God and I said, "God I can't do it myself, I've tried. I don't know how to do this, I can't be perfect like everyone makes me feel like i have to be, please help me." And in my distress, like in the snap of a finger it was gone. The feelings left, the desire left and it was like it was never there in the first place. And I started to sob because I had tried for months to get rid of my sin and God did it in a snap of a finger, in less than a second he did it, without hesitation; because the whole time he wanted me to come to him for healing cause I never could have done it myself in the first place, he wanted my broken heart, just like he wants yours.

He said let depression flee and sin has to go, in the presence of the only true King worthy to take away the sin of the world because he holds the keys to it anyway. Yet we still have free will to defy it. By this I know he loves me. He redeemed me. I also learned along my walk with him that I had to lay down my idols because only he could reign over my life and only him could give me perfect, real love over the fake love I tried to conjure up. I'm so truly glad I met Jesus and I pray if you haven't, you will too, because this is what he's done for me and he can do just the same with you, you're never too far gone. He loves you.