| L I F E |

trivial vent

i shouldnt say this



























im just being selfish if i vented this but still

section one
okay ritht so like in january me and a few friends planned very long this meet up and just today all of them except one said they cant come


 if you were gonna be busy on that day fucking tell me and we can arrange it for another day


not tell me two days before it that you cant come


im sorry if im being selfish but i fucking said this in january, we're meeting in march, tell me of you cant come

just a week ago everyone was okay with the timing and could come


do they fucking know how much ive been stressing over planning

how much ive pestered people and asked them if they were okay with the date

and

this

fucking

inconvenience

im being a selfish fucking crybaby but im mad no one told me earlier

"im fine"

"im ok"

"its ok"

"calm it im fine"

 cant they see

im CRACKING life's eggshell and once i do ill start decaying 

i wont be able to stay this calm that long

which is why my impulse just gets worse and worse

i get mad too easily irl now and i fucking hate that

section 2
i used to be really close with this girl and now we arent that close anymore 

cause i shifted schools

i know.

shitty move.

now she hangs out with one of the people i hate

shes not even sad im gone

fucking sucks

yet im attached to someone so much

please

what are you trying here

are you trying to destroy whatever is left of my will to keep going


section 3
my impulse is really shit

i tend to snap pretty badly at someone whenever i mad

not like outburst but more of "can you fucking cut that out you fucking ass."

kind of thing

im sorry

im just

god i shouldnt even excuse myself like this

i cant blame being tired on this

people just think im calm because i used to be extremely hard to piss off

now pissing me off is too easy

the first thing to my mind is to cause harm to someone

break something

sometimes maybe hurt myself

depends really

but most of the time i grab the nearest sharp object and stab someone

scenario one, i stab someone who pisses me off and they happen to be a friend who thinks what im doing is for shits and giggles and as human nature, they stab me back

that only pisses me off more

i cant do anything

not even ask them to stop

theyll go on

keep going

make me more mad

haha.

im helpless.

and guess fucking what.

they aim for the stomach, ribs or knuckles.

ALL.

THE.

TIME.

section 4
why is those three a problem?

stomach- i have a really weak stomach system and i throw up too easily, just the slightest touch to my stomach causes me to jerk away really hard and sometimes slap them to get away from them

ribs- i didnt pay attention but i think theres a problem with my ribs and it hurts when someone or i touch them. its not something too big though.

knuckles- okay so just a while back i hurt my knuckles and when my friend decides they want to piss me off for whatever the fuck reason goes through the cog wheels of their mind, they aim for my knuckles. THE HAND THAT IS BANDAGED. THE HAND WHICH HAS SWELLED AND BRUISED SO FUCKING BAD. 



section 5
people in school are fucking foul. typical isnt it. every fucking thing i do. every step i take. ever so, BREATHING might even get me made fun of

everyone picks on me

"(name) needs make up"

"(name) shouldnt be in this school theyre too violent"

"(name) is so quiet theyre never gonna get friends"

OKAY I GET IT ASSHOLES

NEW KID, CANT YOU JSUT GIVE ME TIME TO ADJUST

IM NOT FUCKING

AI

OR WHATVEER

I CANT BE PERFECT

then this asshole

this one motherfucker

"(name) didnt put away their personal learning device its their fault."

"(name) is probably watching youtube"

at least i called him out for that

i turned my ipad around real fast and showed him i was on chatgpt and yelled "BITCH??" really loudly and yet my teacher didnt say anything about it


section 6
my physical health isnt that good either

i dont have time to eat anymore

its just

school, 30 minute break to que in the cafeteria for 25 minutes to actuallly get something

then lessons

by the time i get home and eat its dinner time so i skip dinner

and my weak stomach refuses to eat in the morning too

one meal a day

5 meals from monday to wednesday in total

i think my mom is getting worried too cuase i almost passed out last week in choir practice cause i didnt eat the whole day

im trying to eat more

but im getting picky

eggs? hate the vein attached to it

meat? blood still drips from it and theres fat and veins and tendons in it

seafood? hated it since i was a kid

carbs? i only like staple foods and fucking saltine crackers

candy? sugar rush

and anything else just makes me feel

ick.

im really particular about germs

i wash my hands after touching a crusty surface all the time and i get grossed out really easily unless im wearing gloves

even if its my own skin, i get grossed out if i peeled my skin off



endish
at least i have some people who still care

and my dog

i love my dog

its not that bad its healing i guess