brushfire

How can we survive a desert without rain?

Nayeon finally saw it. As she splashed water on her face in the mirror, she saw the enemy and it was indeed her. Tears sprung from her eyes as she thought about what Sana had put her through, and now what she was doing to Mina. She looked at the pool of water in the sink and wondered how long she could hold her breath for.

When Nayeon had met Sana a little over a year ago, it had been intoxicating. She was immediately drawn to her, not batting an eye at the minefield of red flags she was treading through. Every sugar-coated word, every heated touch, every broken promise.

"I thought you were kidding when you said you were good at bowling," Nayeon laughed, bumping into Sana as they walked the path home.

"I told you! I thought you'd be better with your massive hands, turns out they just get in the way." She intertwined their hands, and Nayeon noticed the way Sana's eyes sparkled when the light hit them just right.

"That and my legs. And my body," Nayeon joked. Sana leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"I happen to like that body very much though," she whispered into Nayeon's ear, sending a shiver down her spine. Nayeon stopped to face her.

"And my legs?"

"They're perfect."

"What about these uh massive hands," Nayeon teased, running her hands through her hair. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks when Sana brought her face within an inch of Nayeon's.

"I think I might like them more if they were somewhere else," Sana smirked.

She saw the fear in herself, the same fear that had Sana pushing and pulling Nayeon, the same that nearly drove her to insanity. When Sana called she came, and when Sana pushed, she waited until she called her back. She had wanted nothing more than to have Sana's love, but it was the only thing that ever felt out of her grasp. Sana was never hers.

"Do you want to do something next week?" Sana asked, arms tangled in Nayeon's sheets, fumbling around for the other girl.

"Sure, why not this week?" It was only Tuesday.

"Oh, I'm just busy." Nayeon raised an eyebrow to Sana's words. "Actually I think I'm going to be busy next week, too."

Nayeon's face fell, realizing that her interrogation had led to her next date getting postponed.

She had been discarded. Nayeon spent the months following retracing her steps, trying to figure out where she went wrong. Had she come on too strong? Did she miss all the signs?

"I like you but this isn't going to work."

Nayeon looked into Sana's eyes, searching every corner of her brain for an answer. Things had been going so well, why was Sana now saying this.

"I don't understand."

"It would never work out between us. We don't want the same things, and our relationship is already so unbalanced. I'd only hurt you," Sana said with no remorse. Nayeon felt all the blood rush to her chest, she felt like she was going to explode.

"But last week... last week you said you wanted to move in together, that you wanted to explore our future together."

"I don't feel that way anymore."

And the truth was that she hadn't missed anything. She had seen all the signs, she just hoped it would be different this time. Unfortunately, Nayeon decided that as a result of this, she would close herself off, stop herself from ever hurting like this again. She didn't think twice about the toll it would take.