She wants to kill herself. She wants to take too many pills and feel her organs break down. She wants to slide the blade across her skin until her eyes close and her breathing stops. She wants to jump and feel the wind fly past as she heads towards the concrete.
But she never will, and somehow she's nearly okay with that.
Why? If she wants to, then why won't she? It would take away the pain, wouldn't it?
She thinks she would feel guilty about it, even in death. She thinks it's too selfish. She's passing on her pain to everyone who knew her and possibly even loved her. She can't do that.
Funnily enough, she also believes it would be the one selfless thing she's ever done. What a paradox.
She's also afraid. Afraid of life, but more afraid of death, because of how utterly unknown it is. What if heaven and hell are real, and she has to spend the rest of eternity in hell? That must be worse than life as it is.
So she will continue living, no matter how painful it gets sometimes.
I think what she really wants isn't to die, but to get to live a different life. A life where trauma doesn't follow her everywhere she goes. A life where she isn't always burdened with insecurity and self-loathing and anxiety. A life where she makes a positive difference in the world, not a negative one.
It's difficult to grapple with the fact that the past will never change. It's baggage you didn't ask for, but you're stuck with it forever. And it's really fucking heavy.
YOU ARE READING
not quite sure but i need to write something
Randomnot sure how you would stumble across this or why you'd read it but hi a place for me and you to vent i guess, feel free to vent in the comments big trigger warnings for suicide, trauma, sh
