Capture It

Chapter 3

Sometimes, courage doesn't stay with you, rather, it hides inside of you. Your mind plays sequences over and over again, slowly drawing the beast out. I believe, that life is like that. You need to replay things sometimes to lure them out, make mistakes and learn from them. Remember your mistake, replay it, replay it again until you find the source in which you made the mistake. That, that is where courage will creep up and attack you, the damn beast you were hiding from will take over and the next time life puts you in that situation you know what to do.

*****

"I need you to fight for me Jiyong," I whisper into his ear before they sedate him. I now he is unconscious and I know he will not hear me or remember this, but I need him to know I am doing everything for him. "10-blade," and thus, the surgery began. Bowl obstruction, punctured lungs, internal bleeding. All of this, he has been through so much and now it's our turn to fight for him. My heart races with adrenaline and anxiety, my first solo surgery on my god damn friend.

"Fuck, fuck fuck," tears well up in my eyes as I cut into his abdomen. Breathe, breathe Satsuki, just breathe. What makes me calm? Running, biking, music, screaming- music. I can have music in this ER. "Lisel!" I shout, my intern jerks in movement from across the room where she has her small notebook out taking notes. "Grab my phone from the table and enter the passcode '3-1-5-7'." Out the corner of my eye I can see her doing as I tell her, she nods her head, "nurse, will you please pull up playlist 2, and plug it into the speakers. Dial it up loud." Immediately, the sound of music comes blaring out, putting my racing heart at ease. My mind completely erases and I am back into the swing of things. My mouth is barking out instrument names, my hands diligently and gracefully working inside him. "Now, 30-second dance party," I mutter to myself, taking my hands out and putting my tools down. The music booms loud in the er and I begin to just jump in circles, letting out piled up stress. The artists voice booms through my mind and soon, I am back working on my friend, quietly singing along to the song.

Done. I am done. My stomach is a complete mess from exhaustion, stress, anxiety, anything. You name it I probably have it. I was in the ER for five-hours, now that might not seem long for surgeons. However, this was my friend and the only thing holding me together was the music, and the fact I have to talk to his friends- my ex-friends? That terrifies me even more.

There is blood all over my scrubs, my brain churns for the right words, but the moment I see five of them standing there it all blows up. My face must have looked hilarious since vomit overcame my mouth and I had to sprint to a trashcan to puke out everything that was in my stomach. It was a gut-wrenching moment for me. In front of family, delivering good news, and then just throwing up. Some other resident I don't even know the name of ran over to me, holding my hair back, asking if I was okay. I waved him off in the thirty-second process everything was happening. So excruciating. I looked up after I was done, wiped my mouth on my sleeve and turned around, to see everyone (including my interns) staring at me. My work me turned on, as if the music in the ER was turned back on again. "Yah? What are you staring at? Get back to work!" I snap at the three interns, they don't move. "Scut! For all of you." Oh, this got them moving. They all ran frantically like small puppies trying to find something to do. No longer were the eyes pointed at me, but at the three moron interns running around.

A smile of accomplishment washed over my face as I walked over to his family. Jiyong's family. Oh, how many faces I recognized. One of them, Hyori, was shock with some resentment. She loved Jiyong, so much. Just like her own brother, except maybe more. Of course, she didn't have one. I used to be the closest thing she had as family, but hey, I left. Then, Youngbae, who thought of Jiyong as a brother, which they practically were. Chaerin, she used to be a good friend of mine too, stood there. Amongst all of the talking, crying, and whimpers we all stood there quiet. It took courage from Daesung, whom I remember perfectly as an older brother, to finally make some movement. My mind snapped right into my work.

"Jiyong's surgery went successful, we are looking at a possible one-week in-hospital recovery, but otherwise everything with him should be great," the three of them looked at me as if I was mentally unstable, but nodded their heads along. "Um, he will be in recovery for a couple hours until we get his room, but you should be able to visit shortly." An intern ran over to me, frantically shoving me a chart. My eyes widened when I read the name, Seungri Lee.

"What the hell happened?!" I shouted, "Who the hell did this?" Away I was again, "Fuck not Seungri!" I probably should not have said that because the minute I started sprinting the three of them did too. Everyone dodged out of my way, scared that I was going to run them over. The intern, Dr. Arrighetti, running beside me. I could hear all the footsteps following behind us, but when we slammed into the trauma one room everything was completely okay. Everyone stopped when Seunghyun, Seungri, and Teddy all sat there talking. Three of them, in trauma room one, laying in hospital beds laughing. "I- I cannot-" I breathe out before I run to another trashcan and begin my vomiting episode all over again. Now acid was coming up, the whole room was dead silent except for me spewing out my stomach. Again, when I was done and my throat and mouth was on fire, I calm myself and turn around on my heel. Time to drop the bomb.

"Breathe Satsuki," I mumble to myself although I am sure everyone can hear me, "why are we all in the trauma room? Why am I standing in front of three stable patients in the damn trauma room. It is called a damn trauma for physically traumas, not mental ones," this was all directed to my poor intern who is getting the short end of my emotional stick.

"Why the hell?!" I shout, my vexation surge getting the best of me.

"Well- they kept asking and-"

"You are a doctor, maybe not for much longer, but you should know what a fucking trauma room is for! Goddammit Marie!" I curse loudly. Marie begins apologizing profusely to me but I, yet again, cut her off, "GET THEM OUT OF HERE AND INTO A ROOM!" 

 Turning on my heel once again, I leave the room.

*****

It's been five hours, I get hourly updates about Jiyong, although I don't need them since I have been spending my time inside his room, a blanket wrapped around me and a chart in my lap. Turning my head, I look at the digital clock on the wall, 3:21 am. Letting my head fall back onto the chair, I close my eyes hoping for a second of rest but ending up for much more then a small rest. 

 The next time I open up my eyes and looking at the clock, it is 7:48 am. I look around myself to find Jiyong coming to. I stay silent, letting him wake up on his own. This is how all patients should wake up, silence and peacefulness. At least, in my opinion. 

 "Wh- where am I?" As usual, a long list of questions escape his mouth even though he thinks he is in the room alone. 

 "Ji- Jiyong," I sigh out, a smile forming on my face. His head quickly snaps towards me, causing him to wince slightly. My first solo surgery, staring right back at me. Remind me to pat myself on the back later. "You are at Light Oaks Hospital, I'm your doctor," My voice remains calm and steady throughout the small sentence I say to him. 

 "Sa- Satsuki?" Jiyong asks, bewildered by my sudden appearance. I nod my head. "Can, I sleep?" he asks, waiting for my reply. I nod my head, he closes his eyes but glances back at me, "You look terrible, you should sleep too." 

 "Great to have you back Jiyong," I whisper, standing up. 

He nods his head solemnly and closes his eyes. Looking at the machines, I find myself waiting for something terrible to happen. Bp dropping, lose of heart beat, something, but no. It is all completely stable, he is completely stable. My eyes wander to look out the doors, but the curtain is drawn. Remind me also to thank the intern for doing that. Alas, instead of going to do my job I sit back down on the uncomfortable hospital chair, lean back, pull the blanket on me, and focus my attention to the man laying in front of me. My patient, my friend who I have seen in years.