When you say "I love you" it feels ingenue. It feels forced. Why do you say "I love you"? Is it to make me feel better? Does it make you feel better to here me say it back?
For me "I love you" is a promise. It's a promise to stand by your choices. It's a promise to trust you and tell you what's on my mind.
When I tell you what's on my mind you feel the need to make it a problem. When I tell you I need help you agree, but not in a way I feel safe talking about it. In a way I feel the need to cry when I mention it to you. Sleeping. I can't, I can't sleep knowing I upset you. But how do I know when I upset you? You don't say if I do. You don't say when I am in the wrong, you just tell me it's my own doing.
How is it my doing when I did no doing. When I did nothing? Is it my fault I'm upset? Or sad...? Is it my fault I love too hard? Yes. Is what everyone says true? Am I too much for them? Am I too much for you? Regulation. Regulation of emotions. I can't. I cannot regulate my emotions enough for you, not for you. Not for myself. I feel too much, I feel upset, angry, I cry. I feel too much.
I feel not enough. I don't speak,i can't speak. I can't cry. I feel numb. Not enough. I cannot feel enough. Not for you. Not for anyone. Not even for myself.
I hate myself, I hate that I can't communicate these feelings. I hate you, for not telling me what I'm doing wrong.
I love you. I can't hate you. I can't. I can't simply hate a person who has showed me compassion and care. I can't. I love you too much. I love you too hard.
