Blue Can Fall Too - Oneshot

Blue Can Fall Too

TW:
Mentions of Wanting To Die
Abuse
Extreme Pain
Literally Every Criteria for PTSD
And other such things.

Enjoy seeing what I think Dabi struggles with!
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Sometimes, a breath isn't enough to forget. Sometimes, medication isn't enough to shut it out. Sometimes, exposure therapy isn't worth the pain.

However, I question that every time I come back from there.

Every time I use my flames, I'm in agony. I feel my skin burn hotter than the pits of hell, and I can smell it, I can hear my screams, I can taste the particles of my skin on my tongue. I can hear my father yelling at me to stop.

But I can't stop.

Why would I stop?

I will burn the whole world down to make him stop. His heart to be silenced. For my family still under his thumb to be freed from that narcissistic bastard.

His Hero name, Endeavor... should've been my villain name. I endeavored the heat. The pain. The ache in every cell. The raw throat from screams from the soul.

Instead, I am Dabi. Dabi, or Touya Todoroki. God, how I wish I was nobody.

I wish my life could restart, and I could begin again with no quirk, no abusive family, no siblings, hell, I'd be an orphan if that's what it took.

That, however, is impossible.

So, instead, I will kill Endeavor. The source of my agony. The source of the flashbacks I face anytime my flames touch my skin.

The taste of skin. The smell of burning flesh...

I am a humanoid crematorium who only lives for one purpose.

Dispose.

Dispose of Endeavor.

But I can't do that when I can't even go a minute without hearing his yelling or seeing his face in front of me every time I use my quirk.

Over, and over, and over again.

I know I don't have any more pain receptors in my arms, legs, and face. But when I'm burning things up, I'm burning up too.

And in the small part of my brain that's still human, says I deserve it.

...

"Dabi."

"Dabi."

"DABI."

"DABI I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU!"

I flinch aggressively at the yelling, before tossing a fireball straight at Shigaraki's head.

"Shig, I'm going to kill you."

"You can't! I've got dibs!" Himiko Toga says, throwing one of her damn needles at me.

"Fine." I say and lay my head back down. I'm exhausted.

The previous day, the only time when the League sleeps, I dreamt only of my life in the dojo with Enji. It felt like I was really there, and I was in survival mode again. Protect me, protect Shoto, protect my mother.

But, they say history repeats itself. And my dream followed that mantra. I always failed but kept trying. I should've stopped. Let the bastard just kill me.

It's not like I'm happy. I'm a villain. I've killed people. Not that any of them deserved to live. Nobody in this world can be trusted. Not even the League. I know they will kill me when I carry them to victory.

That'd be a blessing. I'm too weak to do it myself.

I'm too weak to even go back home and visit my family.

I've tried before, knowing that I'd only be able to check and make sure they were okay before the police were called, but I couldn't even look down the street without the flashbacks rocking my core.

It is what it is.

I'll just burn everything in my way, even my memories if that's what it takes.

"Dabi, would you like some water?" Kurogiri asks, everyone else having left the room of boredom.

"Sure."

Kurogiri gets an immaculately shined glass, fills it with water, and places it in front of me.

I look at the reflective surface in the glass and realize I'm crying.

I guess blue can fall too.

AN: I hope you enjoyed! I actually looked through the DSM-5 TR (the psychology disorder handbook, essentially) and did my best to satisfy all the criteria in ~600 words.

You little peeps are amazing, and if you struggle with PTSD or any other disorder, know that you are not and have never been alone, and I'm majoring in Psychology so I can help people just like you.

Sweet Dreams, my Star-Children