i texted you today. i don't really know what i was expecting from you. i think i was just looking for some clarity so that i can finally convince myself into thinking that i was really over you. maybe i was just searching for a thrill from a forbidden paradise that i once knew as home. whatever it was, it completely tore me apart. the way that i stripped all of the bark off of the tree that people call by my name. as i said before, not exactly was i sure of what i was getting myself into when i texted you. to be completely honest, i've felt a thrill that i don't think i've ever felt with you. the way that you decided to stay strong for yourself (which i completely respect), and not give into my subliminal messages and sweet nothings laced with hints of desperation. you didn't give me what i wanted, which was a big part of our relationship. sometimes, i think if that's why we lasted as long as we did. the way that you effortlessly showed up for my every need. i could've coughed a little too long, and you were on your way with some medicine that your mother prescribed me and one of my favorite energy drink. i hate you sometimes. a lot more than sometimes. i think about how i don't think i will ever find someone as close to who i am as you were. you made me believe that my true self wasn't someone that i had to conceal with jokes i didn't find funny and fake smiles at moments with no significance. i'm contemplating calling you right now and asking you to simply wrap your arms around me. i know that i've already done enough damage to you. i will just wake up tomorrow and wish that i had never reached out to you in the first place. and regardless of whether or not i will see you tonight, that regret will live with me for at least the next couple of weeks. i keep looking at your contact information, and then back at the last text that i've sent you. i don't want to be a bother to you, but i want to say what i have to say. i want to hold you against my body. i am sobbing as i am writing this.
