Probably Posting, Usually Updates

apology #4 (2)

I didn't remember my first apology to you was still up until I reread it. Ah, we never learn. I forgot what we had argued about so entirely, only to find out it is the same argument. And the same sadness, forgiveness, gratitude, love, and pain I feel. 

I am putting this here so you might find it once you go looking for it. Maybe in another 8 years. :) Here is what I wrote to you last week.

I never blamed you or wanted you to feel guilty for ghosting. I would have heard you out. Whatever you said. I wish you'd said.

Like "You're completely wrong you're being a fucking idiot how could you say something that hurtful! Fuck you!!!!" But my wishes mean nothing, I know. I tried to bargain with your last message or deny or belittle it but I think it's maybe the truest thing you've told me in years. contempt and disgust and avoidance and shame are somatic experiences that we do not choose. Apologizing seems against the point.

It's bizarre. I always thought we'd figure it out. I am in pain knowing how much I have hurt you - not only recently but perhaps always. You get me right where it hurts too and we never could explore why. I felt if you really let me have it I could be there for you but I understand no one wants to express anger to and seek comfort from someone that disgusts and disturbs them. I didn't Know; all the same, it is terrible and I envy neither of us.

I didn't want you to feel bad for ghosting. so the email gave me neither relief nor vindication. I already sensed what you confirmed in your last message - you apologized because you felt really guilty.

guilt is inherently fickle and proud and likes to be absolved. I feel guilty for not adequately strategizing to draw out the "right" response. I feel guilty that you do not like me and probably never will. I feel guilty that I "made" you feel the ways you did. All ego shit.

I feel remorse - grounded, marrow-deep remorse - that I decided you were my enemy. I'm sorry, if sorry even can explain. I am remorseful that during our friendship, I thought of your kind eyes and felt you deserved neither my honesty nor intimacy. I am remorseful I hid my contempt well, from even myself, poisoned things silently. I am remorseful that although I performed otherwise, our authentic relationship ended for me shortly after I left Tennessee and I said nothing, yet glowered in resentment and indignation for years. That would make anyone feel they were on eggshells. I loved you and I betrayed you.