Citrus | ONC 2024 ✔️

9: To Me

Getting my jaw to slacken was the first hard part. The next obstacle was looking Mathew in the eyes when he walked back in the deep gray of a room. I managed to take a small peek into the pool of creamy brown, just enough to call it that. It was a gesture of acknowledgement rather than anything substantial. Nonetheless, my chest ached further. The sheer gush of air burning the back of my mind was unbearable. I was swaying limply, unable to do anything. Vines wrapped themselves around me. They prohibited all movement. I was trapped.

Mathew's eyes glistened beneath the breath of light above. What had June said to bring more wetness to the surface? Had it been about Morgan? The guy somehow looked sadder. His shoulders slumped in an odd angle. He stared the floor down like a confused sunflower, gazing anywhere but the light above. Mathew hadn't looked at Morgan since he entered the room, only giving the barest signs of life. Maybe the guy was breathing, but if he weren't breathing so heavily, I doubt I would have guessed life existed in him. Who would have expected life from a guy who seemed so lifeless? Being paler than grains of sand didn't suit anyone of his complexion. His face looked wronged, contorted too. Hair in the same predicament, I adjusted my own, hoping I didn't appear dead along with the guy.

I'm sure I did, though.

Somewhere in my core, I knew everything was wrong. That little huge bit of wrong existed even in myself. I was saturated in it.

My throat tightened.

Entirely, all that I was deflated. Everything that had kept my stem turgid was morphing into a flaccid state. I couldn't be a tall, strong oak forever. Something had to bring the tree down. Maybe the one in front of our old home didn't collapse under the moral weight of coiling infestations, but the feeling of dying was all the same.

Osmosis described the life continually being sucked out of me. High concentration to low concentration went all life from my body, dwindling my grasp on reality. The process felt oddly slow. Plant cells thrived in a turgid state, rigid in full. However, a plant being flaccid was a different story. Flaccid meant I'd end up with a wilted plant, every balance I tried to create in the soil and water meant nothing then. There was no survival. Maybe the vine had cut off the water supply? I hadn't seen a large glimpse of the thing, but maybe I should have spotted the slithering thing. I didn't. I would pay.

My head seemed lighter than before. Was the light above blinking?

Words trailed on the edge of my tongue, waiting to spill. I would wreck the entire environment. Not only was I dooming myself into biomass of brown destined to become compost, I would be dragging the flower box with me. I needed to hammer the nails back in, bring the walls up again. Mathew couldn't know I remembered saying those horrible, wrong words. I couldn't say anything. There were bigger problems at hand than words. Weren't actions louder than words? And why would an apology matter? Would Mathew even consider it sincere?

Placing a comforting hand on Mathew's shoulder felt wrong, getting up to get another round of water and juice felt wrong too. What could I do to make everything better? I could make a get well soon card, because we all needed one of those. Hugging Mathew was always an option too.

I shouldn't touch him. There was something inherently wrong with the action. A seed deep inside me wailed in protest but gave no alternative. Maybe it was wrong, but was there any other option without giving myself away?

You're cruel. A voice echoes in my head. It's the same tiny, impeccably loud seed. You're cruel.

I wanted to argue, tell myself a blatant lie while something real play on repeat in my mind.

My voice is distinguishable in the buzzing chaos. I wish it weren't. "And I say, never in a million years. You're dead to me, okay?" I kept saying the phrase over and over again, like it would gain a new meaning if I said it enough... like I would believe in the words wholly after a time. The truth, Mathew couldn't be trusted now. I shouldn't have trusted him before. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Right?