Fu Tu re

4: Vasi

 Forti glued her tired eyes to her computer screen as her fingers went flying to finish an assignment. She emailed her teachers that her sister died, and they were all willing to push their due dates by a week. There was no time to mourn, not when she had to succeed. She was still alive. She had to ignore her sister. Just push it down for now. There will be a time and place. Tomorrow, when she attends the funeral.

Then she sighed deeply. It probably became a habit.

One click and her assignment was submitted. She leaned back as far as her desk chair allowed, but instead of feeling satisfied, her head swam in present and future homeworks, projects, and tests. She got up, stretched a little, and went to the kitchen to grab a yogurt cup. No time to take a break, not when she received a failing grade on her exam. She needed to find out what she did wrong and study, study, study.

After staring out the window for a few minutes to rest her eyes, she ate some large spoonfuls and began looking over her mistakes.

Why was she so stupid? How could she get this wrong? How could she have overlooked that part? She got so many points off for that one thing! At least she knew what she did wrong now. Checking over notes, she realized why. She learned how to not make those mistakes again. She got better. She had to get better.

She slapped her computer closed and leaned back on her chair, looking up at her ceiling with dull eyes weighed by sickishly purple bags.

She got better now.

She should be fine.

Learning it now doesn't fix my score.

Why couldn't I just have known it more before?

Why wasn't it me?

Forti threw an arm across her eyes, becoming aware of her breathing. She wiped a stray tear, but her sight blurred thickly.

If she had picked up her sister from the exam, her sister wouldn't be gone. If she was a better daughter, her parents wouldn't have to go through this. If she was there, she could have shielded her sister. She should've been the one to die instead. Why her sister? Pahth, answer me.

Hot tears rushed like liquid fire down her cheeks to her chin to whatever surface it fell on. Pahth, why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to my family? She stood up and fled from the space, uselessly escaping a malignant pain that followed. A festering anger boiled in her blood, and she couldn't bear to live.

I should go to sleep, she thought. I don't want to think about anything. Just sleep. Brush my teeth and sleep. Go to sleep.

Mechanically, she walked to the bathroom, just across the siblings' bedroom. The sound of running water and her eyes staring dead into themselves numbed all thinking.

As she dipped herself into the soft embrace of her bed, thoughts surged in forceful waves, lapping on her brain.

"Vasi." Forti choked out in a whisper. The nickname of her sister, muttered to the air. Wyver was passed out in his bed, an exceptional deep sleeper, so Forti didn't have to fear him or anyone overhearing, free to wallow after the world had tilted off its axis the moment Vasi was taken from its surface.

She remembered riding bikes through the park with Vasi and Wyver when they were little, their old dog Fiden chasing and barking after them.

Fiden. Dear, lovely Fiden.

Forti comforted her younger siblings when Fiden passed away, holding them in her arms tightly while she cried on their heads.

Fiden was such a good boy. He protected us fiercely, even from the birds. Especially Vasi since he knew she was the youngest, always following her wherever she went. At least she won't be alone up there.