𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐄 | 𝐉𝐀𝐇𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐄

𝟏

jake always considered himself a rational and level-headed person. he had never been one to let his emotions control him.

but jake felt insane. or maybe he was, but that's what happens, right? isnt that what happens when you have the most massive crush on your best friend? on your best friend johnnie?

but it felt so good. feeling a warm and shiny glow float up into his face and just knowing his cheeks were pink. he didn't blush often. if not, ever.

but there was one problem – johnnie was straight. he had always been interested in girls, and jake had never seen him show any signs of being interested in guys. jake knew that his feelings for johnnie were pointless and would only end up hurting him, but he couldn't help the way he felt.

but the more jake tried to suppress his feelings, the more they seemed to intensify. it was like the words were caught in his throat, choking him until he finally found a way to spit them up.

johnnie was sleeping in front of jake, with the sun shining down on him and lighting up his jett black hair. jake wanted to run his fingers through it. he wanted to do a lot of things to johnnie. he wanted to kiss his face and hold his hand and take him out. he wanted to tell him how he felt, but he was afraid.

its not as if johnnie was an inter-celestial being, who could read right through his soul from far, no matter how godly he looked. its also not as if he'd ever want jake. maybe in another life, or on another day.

but not today. not this day. so for now, jake would continue to keep his feelings hidden. he would continue to be johnnie's best friend, his confidant, his shoulder to cry on. and maybe, just maybe, one day johnnie would realize that the love jake had for him was more than just friendly. and maybe, just maybe, they could be something more. but until then, jake would continue to love johnnie from afar, content with just being by his side.

but the feeling of longing never went away. it was always there, simmering just beneath the surface. and sometimes, when johnnie would smile at him or touch his arm, jake couldn't help but wonder if maybe, his feelings weren't so one-sided after all. but he couldn't bring himself to take the risk. he didn't want to lose johnnie, even if it meant keeping his feelings hidden. 

so he continued to pretend, to act like everything was okay, while his heart ached in silence. and maybe that was the most insane thing of all – loving someone who could never love him back. but he couldn't help it. he was in too deep, and there was no turning back. all he could do was hope that someday, somehow, johnnie would see him in a different light and give him a chance. until then, jake would continue to be the rational and level-headed person he always was, while secretly holding onto his insane and love for his best friend.

he scooted up to johnnie, a small smile on his face. "hey," johnnie whispered. his heart was beating in his head, and his cheeks were most likely red. but he couldn't help it. he loved johnnie, had for a little while now. the way johnnie moved, the way he smiled, the way his voice sounded when he was dreaming. it all combined to make jake feel like he was on the verge of something incredible. something that could change everything.

he took a deep breath, steeling himself against the butterflies in his stomach, and slowly sat by johnnie, shaking him fully awake. moonlight spilled through the window, casting a pale glow over the rumpled sheets and tangled blankets of his bed. johnnie lay on his side, one arm flung above his head, chest rising and falling with each gentle breath. even in sleep, there was something so achingly beautiful about him. something jake couldn't put his finger on.

jake sat silent, the urge to at least brush a thumb onto his cheek becoming unbearable in a concerning way. he slightly moved towards him. he wanted to wake him up, to see those gorgeous eyes open and look at him the way he knew they could. but he was afraid. afraid of what johnnie might say, afraid of how he might react.

so he just stayed there, close enough to feel the warmth of his body, close enough to see the rise and fall of his chest. He wondered if johnnie had any idea how much he meant to him, how much he wanted him. he wondered if johnnie ever felt the same way. he hoped, with all his heart, that he did.

but for now, he would settle for just being near him. for feeling the weight of his presence, the softness of his skin. he traced a finger down his own face, following the curve of his jaw, the strong line of his neck. he wished he could tell him, somehow, what he was feeling.

but then, almost as if johnnie was hearing jakes thoughts, he shifted slightly in his sleep, letting out a soft moan. it was the most perfect sound jake had ever heard, and it made his heart ache with longing. he brushed a strand of hair from his forehead, tracing it down the bridge of his nose before letting it fall back into place.

"johnnie?"

there was a moment of stillness, and then johnnie's eyes fluttered open. he blinked up at Jake, confusion evident in his expression. "jake?" he asked, his voice soft and sleepy.

jake swallowed hard, his heart pounding in his chest. he couldn't look away from johnnie's face, and he didnt want to. those beautiful eyes that he'd dreamed of seeing open just for him. "yeah," he managed to croak. "it's me."

johnnie blinked a few more times, seeming to finally accept hes fully awake. "god, it was hard to wake up" he laughed.

"i know, ive been trying to wake you" jake mumbled, stepping off of the bed. he sighed, before leaving johnnie to himself for a moment.

before he walked out of the door, johnnie quickly got up, and tugged him closer by the shirt.

"can you lay with me for 5 minutes?" johnnie mumbled, a hesitant tone trembling in his voice. jake stopped for a second.

jake nodded, a lump forming in his throat as he took a step back, then another, until he was lying beside johnnie. he couldn't help but stare at his profile, the way the soft light from the window cast a warm glow across his features. he traced the outline of johnnie's jaw with one finger, feeling the smooth skin beneath his touch. "so, uh," he began, unsure of how to proceed. "you wanna talk about why you were so exhausted?" he asked, hoping to steer the conversation in a more casual direction.

johnnie smiled, looking over at jake. "well, you know how it is," he said, shrugging nonchalantly. "long day editing, too much to drink. sometimes it's just easier to crash than to try and fight it." he paused for a moment, then added, "but, you know, i can't help but feel like there's something more to it."

jake nodded, wishing he could tell johnnie the truth. that he'd been thinking about him all day, and that the thought of being this close to him had been keeping him awake. but he couldn't. not yet. so instead, he settled for changing the subject. "so, how was your day?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

johnnie smiled, seeming to relax a little more against jake. "jake i just woke up," he said with a shrug. he paused for a moment, then looked over at jake. "how about you? how was your day?"

jake laughed softly. "oh, you know, just kinda woke up too. i wanted to go to 7-11. was kinda bored, but i made it through." he hesitated for a moment, then decided to take a chance. "i dont feel like cooking or anything tonight, can we maybe just go out?"

johnnie looked at jake, there was a blank look written all over his face. "sounds great"

jake nodded, a shy smile spreading across his face. "yeah, of course. i mean, i know we haven't been close or anything, but...i just feel like we haven't been able to get together like that"