The Fall - A Newt Fanfiction

Chapter 3

3 Months Later

I woke up earlier than everyone else, as usual. I kept my eyes closed and imagined that I was any where but the glade and that I would open my eyes and see my mother by my bed with breakfast in her hands for me.
But soon, I started to hear the familiar sounds of the other gladers getting up, going to wash and get ready for the days work. I knew that my fantasies before I opened my eyes were silly, but I was trying to spend as much time as I could away from the glade. Not physically, but mentally. I opened my heavy eyelids and dragged myself up from my usual sleeping place. I had moved away from where all the others slept, I didn't enjoy being around people when most of my breakdowns happened.
The past few months had been terrible. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had done to get to the glade, whether I was evil or not in my past life and I tried to stop getting so paranoid but I wasn't very good at controlling it. Throughout the day I would stay away from the others as much as possible, only talking to others at meal times usually. I spent my days farming, which I hated because it didn't distract me very much from my head and all the thoughts of self hatred.
No one else seems to be having any problems with being here, or at least not as many as myself. Why am I so messed up?
At meal times I ate little, never having an appetite even though I worked throughout the day. I didn't think anyone noticed.
"Hey Newt!" Frypan was walking up to me, obviously done with cooking and serving the hungry boys here.
I smiled back at him, not having the energy to respond yet. "You feeling alright? You've been eating as much as a shuckin' fly," he said as he plonked down next to me.
"I'm fine, really," I cleared my throat, it was croaky from nit speaking all day. "I guess I never had a large appetite, even before I came here!" There I was again, back at the same thing that was with me 24/7. When would I move on?
"Well, are you sure you don't want some more? There's always leftovers in the kitchen!"
"It's fine, Fry. Don't worry!"
"Ok. You know where to find me if you need something!" He got up and walked off.
Usually I sat at the edge of all the games after dinner like the very first night and every night after that. But tonight I went and sat at the edge of the forest where my bed was.
I had been feeling especially bad that day, and I hadn't got much sleep either. I had lots of nightmares, and if not nightmares I had dreams about having a family and remembering my childhood but then my family would get killed by some mysterious people and I would wake up in a mess. I hated being awake but sleeping was no better either, so I always postponed sleep as much as possible.
I tried to distract myself from my thoughts of my past life by writing random things in the dirt with a stick but I always got back to the same place.
I wonder who taught me to write. I wonder what has happened to them. Do they remember me or have they forgotton aswell? Why have I forgotton them? Surely if I really loved them I would remember them. I was obviously a terrible son.
A familiar ball of dread formed in my stomach, as it did every time I started to over think. I knew that I had to calm down, and that this happening every night wasn't good for me. But I didn't know what was happening to me and therefore I didn't know how to stop it.
I curled up into a ball, trying to stop the emotions expanding from my stomach to the rest of my body, but as my pulse quickened and my breathing got heavier I knew that I was failing.
Stop it stop it stop it!
The words kept repeating in my head, but they only seemed to make it worse, as if I was teasing myself and that I should know how to stop it.
The first time this strange sensation hit me was a few nights after I had arrived in the glade. I thought I was having a heart attack and that I was going to die, but I couldn't get someone because the fear was so paralysing. When it eventually died down, I thought that I must have some kind of terrible illness which would kill me if it happened again. But it happened almost everynight, and I gradually accepted that this would be a regular thing. However it didn't make the experience any less terrifying, and I really wanted to know what was wrong with me.
When the current attack of strange emotion calmed, I wondered whether I should tell someone about it. But I didn't feel comfortable telling anyone but Alby really, and I didn't particularly want to tell him either. I still felt like Alby was so superior to everyone else, and I tried my hardest for him to see my best side. I had lots of respect for him, and sometimes I would catch myself looking at him at mealtimes or across the glade whilst he was working. As soon as I realised I was staring I would look away as quickly as possible, hoping nobody saw. Something in the back of my mind told me that I liked him, as more than a friend. But none of the other boys here seemed to show any attraction towards each other, so why should I? It was just another thing I sent to the back of my brain and hoped would disappear.
At a time I thought was well after midnight, I drifted off, even though I tried to stay awake as long as possible. I hated the nightmares.
I jerked awake just before dawn, feeling just as sleep deprived as I had before I fell asleep. I wandered around the forest until breakfast, trying to get the disturbing images of my dreams out of my head.
Later on, I was poking at my porridge when Minho came and sat next to me.
Mihno and I were good friends, he had helped me settle in at the glade. Usually the last person to arrive at the glade before you was the person to help you settle down, but in my case he had been banished for breaking the rules.
"Hey shank!" He enthusiastically said to me.
"Hey! What's up? Shouldn't you be in the maze by now?" Mihno was a runner, which meant he was a part of the group of people that ran around the maze, trying to find a way out. Ben was the keeper of the runners at the moment, but there had been talk of Mihno replacing him as he was doing so well.
"Ben sent me to tell you that we want you to try out as a runner! Cool huh?"
I almost choked.
"A runner? Seriously?"
"Yeah, I know right! He says that he sees how hard you work all day, and he wants that out in the maze instead of on a stupid shuck farm. He's right, I reckon you'll be really good! Not as good as me though, so don't get your hopes up for being keeper any time soon!" I laughed, feeling excited to finally do something worthwhile.
"When do we start?" Mihno got up and I followed him across the glade, to a gate.
"Right now, shank," He handed me some supplies, some new trainers and a watch.
"Now, you know whats out there and I know you're not stupid, so be careful and stay close to me. You will be running on your own when I think you have enough experience. Ready?" I nodded and we headed out to the maze at a jog. He told me how to navigate the maze as best as possible, and how to take notes. I listened to every word he said, and running out in the maze I could feel my head clear and I could focus on what I was doing instead if the thoughts that had been in my head for the past 3 months.
I didn't want to go back, but I knew that that would mean I was a griever's dinner. When we stepped back into the maze, I felt strangely claustrophobic, and I remembered all the problems that running had helped to supress.
Why do I have to ruin a perfectly good day with my messed up brain? Why can't I be as happy as the others?