(4/11/2024)
I wear this mask sometimes to cover up
The way I'm struggling to breathe
I can't wrap my head around the fact that
That after escaping you
I still can't seem to escape you
How the hell
Do you posses my whole being and everything I love
And ruin the happiness inside
Like you owe it to me
I can't love you
It hurts too much
But that love is stapling my tongue to you
You love your marksmanship
Also
I can't hate you
Because that would validate me
And with the hooks you have in me
Validating me is for the weak
Or at least what you taught me
But here's what I hate
The fact that when
I want to be free
Your power
Still holds me down
Within the depths of these pages
Because how can I hate you after I spent my whole life
Begging you to love me right
How each hug you decided to shed
Felt like knives in my skin
But begging for love is the greatest way to accept all the poison
I can't spend my whole life defending your honor
In rooms full of people that know what
Reactive abuse means
I can't spend my whole life ignoring that the bad outweighs the good
EVERYTIME I try to calculate
If your love is genuine
Because the money isn't everything
I'd trade and sell my whole life and soul
To feel loved by you
And maybe that's what I hate the most
Everything I love about myself is everything you loathe of me
Especially when I talk about your treatment
Because it wasn't just a Wednesday to me
It fucked up my brain to the point
My inner voice isn't voiced by me
It's voiced by you
You are the cancer within me
And each time I speak
To tell everyone
Something about you
Helps my brain fight you
And not speaking about this
Is my ticking time bomb
Except this time
I'll be the one pulling the pin
Because I deserve to love me
But you have never known how to do that so
In haunted rooms
I'll speak of you
In the most beautiful parts of the world
I'll quiet you
When I hug my daughter
I'll feel everything
So she'll never know my pain
And so I'll always validate hers
Because it doesn't take rocket science to love
Somebody right
