The Forgiveable Journey Of The Cheated

22. Mirror Images of the Wrecks

She misses Liam and has not been able to figure out why because he doesn’t seem particularly interesting and is likely very dissimilar with her in terms of interests, activities and personality. She thinks back to that fleeting moment when they first “met”. Though she could not remember who the handsome partner in their mismatched couple was, after having seen Charlotte, she could now envision Liam being the unattractive one. She thus imagines Liam and herself being the mirror images of each other. The ugly, awkward, somewhat slower and dimwitted partners of two superior beings who consider themselves irreproachable. Liam and Eve are the balls and chains, the sources of conjugal dissatisfaction. They are what Dan and Charlotte settled for before realizing there was something better out there for them. And through all of this, Eve and Liam are the ones whose self- esteems have been irreparably damaged, who are left feeling not good enough. They are the ones who would continue to ply to satisfy their respective partners because they feel like pieces of shit and eagerly wait for some morsel of recognition - a smile or a gesture of appreciation. 

This reflection may help us to better understand why Liam and Eve gave each other hope. Because they feel ridiculous and ashamed of having continued to love their respective partners, even though they had treated them so poorly, even though they had destroyed something in them. Liam and Eve mutually understand and respect each other’s fucked up feelings for their (ex) partners. 

Eve believes she prematurely shut the door to Liam. She realizes that she may have lost contact with perhaps the only person who seems to understand and is willing to hear how she feels, no matter how self-denigrating her thinking. Communicating with him was hurting no one and in fact, it felt like it had some power to heal. Exchanging words with him would lead nowhere in terms of friendship, but had created a connection not possible with anyone else. She understands why Dan had insisted on closing the channels of communication, but he is unable to grasp how communicating with Liam lessens the turmoil and sadness that presses upon her. 

Eve begins composing new messages to Liam in her head. They almost inevitably start with her saying that she misses writing to him. Then the letters, never sent, branch out different directions. Some inquire about how he is digesting the “pill” followed by a description of her own side effects. She tells him that the shift in her relationship sometimes seems insurmountable and how she wishes someone would express their anger and disgust towards Dan, seeing as she is unable to do so. She expresses frustration about how there appears to be no negative consequences for Dan’s actions - he still has his family, a spouse who loves(?) him, his friends, and relative discretion about the whole thing at work. Life continues for Dan as though nothing happened. She points out to Liam that he never even came to physically confront Dan as Dan had once predicted. She admits having hoped he would have done so and mentions that she would never have even tried to intervene. But this letter is too angry laden and she senses it shows an ugly part of her she is trying to camouflage.

Other letters adopt a more positive tone. They tell him that she enjoys communicating with him even though it is a bit crazy, or maybe not. She tells him she is under the impression that their friendship was interrupted prematurely and that her words of goodbye were only words. She tells him that she likes him a lot and asks how he is. She thinks these letters, though true in content, ring of false cheer.

The in-between letters tell him that she is thinking of him and mention the sadness, anger, and impulsiveness she dislikes about herself. She tries to bring humour into this letter by saying things like “I have one less coffee cup at home with their company’s logo on it, but don’t worry (or hope), I didn’t throw it at a person.” She concludes in saying that she is beginning to perceive herself as being less “nice” than she thought she was.