𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗣𝗬 𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗟𝗦

chapter sixteen

CASEN
2009

I SAT IMPATIENTLY, eyes droopy and arms fixed firmly across my chest. I believe I may have taken it a step too far and smoked way too much weed this morning, but how else am I supposed to get through this fucking awful meeting if I do not succumb to some kind of intoxication? Jenko stood in front of me, pacing back and forth as fruitless words spewed from his mouth. I haven't listened to a fucking word since I stepped foot in this shitty building.

The world around me was quiet as I focused on the influence that the cannabis held over me, the beat of my heart and the numbness to my surroundings. It's been two days since I was last here under worse circumstances. All I could see as I looked around the place is the insufferable decisions I made that night, reminding me that I was a complete fuckup in the grand scheme of things.

My head lolled back as my eyes grazed the ceiling, every limb that I was made of felt all-consumingly heavy. I could feel the conversation bouncing off of my body, the vibration of everyone's voices, but the words got lost in the deafening pits of my short attention span once they met one ear and flew straight out of the other. I don't even understand why we're here, it's always the same shit. Casen, you're gonna do this and Casen you're gonna do that, whilst everyone else continues to do fuck all because I'm the only fucker around here who pays his dues.

No one even acknowledged that night when I was ambushed, again, because it wasn't them who nearly had a bullet through their head. It was me, always fucking me. I had to transform into a monster and slip back into my old ways to make a break for it, going against all the actions I've made recently to become a better person. Who apologises to me? Who looks after me? No one. Not a singular person in here gives a fuck.

Just like they never gave a fuck about Malachi. He was loyal, exactly like me. These guys were his family, but where did that leave him? Beaten to a pulp in the middle of the street by the ones he loved like brothers.

     I'm starting to see this world clearer than I ever have before, and let me tell you, it's pretty fucking ugly.

     I pulled my head back up, utilising all of my strength, and refocused my gaze on the people around me. Twisting my profile to the left of me, I caught Cyrus bending his head down to the table with a dollar bill rolled up into a tube and snorting a pristine line of fine white powder that he had sculpted. My brows pulled as I observed his actions, a scowl morphing on my face.

      "What the fuck are you doing?" I spat, disregarding Jenko's endless lecture. Cyrus sat straight, sniffling a few times and rubbing the bottom of his nose as he acknowledged me. "Are you back on that shit? Seriously?"

     He shrugged, urging my blood to boil at a heightened temperature. "It helps me stay focused," his nonchalance as he rubbed the remaining dust into his gums had me laughing, not with humour, no, but with disbelief. He caught my distaste and snarled, "Why the fuck are you acting like you didn't used to do this, C? You used to love this shit. And you're not clean, you're sitting there with your eyes barely open and judging me? You've smoked enough bud this morning to give Snoop Dogg a run for his money. So what if I'm doing a line? You're so high that you can't even stay focused"

     I instinctively looked towards Jenko, who stood observing our conversation in silence. "So you're letting people get high on our supply now, huh? What is this? A sample lab? That's thirty dollars worth of blow lost up that pricks nose"

      Jenko's flicked back and forth between me and Cyrus, his expression bored.

     "I'm talking to you, bro," Cyrus piped up again, grasping my attention. I shifted in my seat so I was now facing him, alert to the observant eyes of everyone in the room. The atmosphere had shifted, hostility poisoning the air. Both Oscar and Marcus looked on edge, eyes glued to me in preparation for the worst. It was silent, deathly silent. "Don't bitch about me to the boss like I'm not here"