Without You

XVII

She was standing in front of him, just a few feet and he relaxed. She put his hand up to stop him from walking to her, and she took slow and gentle steps to him.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blew towards him and he felt her body pushing against his. He caught her and her forehead was pressed against. He held her and smiled, glad beyond everything that she was safe. He pulled her against him.

Another gust of wind, another explosion made his ears pop and instantly she gasped, gripping his shoulders. He felt a sting in his abdomen and they looked down. He felt her body give up and held her body up. He pulled a piece of metal out of himself and laid her down.

"Mer." He coughed through the soot and tried to wake her up. He laid her down and winced as he leaned over her. He looked at his abdomen and groaned as he held his hand over his gushing wound.

"Wake up." He couldn't breathe and she wasn't getting up. His heart was racing and he started to do chest compressions, his throat sore and his face covered in soot.

"Meredith, please." He begged, tilting her head back and breathing into her mouth. He couldn't see through his tears. The piece of metal that was inside of her was still there, and he knew pulling it out would be unsafe.

His hands slid underneath her and he stood up, groaning as he lifted her. The blood oozed from beneath his scrub shirt but he ignored it. He walked to the elevator and he pressed the button with his elbow.

"You can't leave me." He said quietly to her, "You can't."

The door opened and the rest of the surgical field was waiting. They all stared at him and he winced as he walked past them and rested her on a table.

"I-I did 2 rounds of chest compressions." His words were quiet and shaking and his breathing was weak. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he walked to the team to the CT. "She... she felt sick this morning."

"Please." He was desperate and begging as they went into the CT room. His breath shook and his hands followed as he waited. Addison found him and he was crying against the wall, holding nothing back.

She saw the pain in his eyes and she pulled him down to a trauma room. She lifted his shirt over his head and after irritating the wound, she got ready to sew stitches before her pager rang.

"Derek, I have to go." Addison said, handing him the sutures. She hugged him and kissed his forehead before disappearing from the room. His hands were shaking while he did them himself and he tried to take short breaths. His tears stopped him from concentrating and once he was done, he wrapped gauze around his torso. He put his scrub top back on and his feet ached as he waited outside the OR. He paced for almost 7 hours before someone came out.

"Derek," Richard said.
"Let me see her." His voice was gone.
"Derek, you shouldn't see this." Richard said.
"Please." He tried to get a look at the bed now rolling.

He looked over Richard and it was as though the world fell out from beneath his feet. She had a white cloth over her face and he shook his head vigorously.

"No." He breathed, "No she can't be."
"She's brain dead, Derek." Richard said softly.

He held Derek as he fell. His head was down and he was on the floor, his knees rested on the cold hospital floor. A few hours later, he walked into the ICU after everyone had left. She laid there, breathtakingly beautiful even like this. He saw the head CT and his breath left him.

He sat in the chair and gently took her hand. It was freezing but he didn't stop holding it, and even after he fell asleep from exhaustion, his hand was still holding hers.

He woke up before anyone got there and he moved closer. For a moment, he hoped that it was all a dream. He was exhausted and he held her hand up to his mouth, kissing it gently.

"I was wrong." He admitted it, "It won't pass." His body was weak and exhausted from hours of dehydration and his throat was sore from the soot that was still resting inside him. His eyes wouldn't even give her tears anymore.

"Come back to me." He pleaded with her and got no reply. He stood up and the sun began to rise slowly. He leaned forward and pressed his lips to her forehead, "I'll wait."

He walked out of the room and showered before going in on 3 different surgeries. It took him the whole day to distract himself but everything he did was so mindless that he couldn't stop thinking about her. It was late at night when he checked his phone. It was midnight and the hospital was about to be deserted again. He had changed twice and showered but nothing made him happy, and he tried not to feel sick.

He grabbed a bottle of water before slipping back into the room. He sat beside her and smiled, his eyes softening. The nurses had done a wonderful job. She was clean, her hair was brushed out and he sat beside her.

"This has been the hardest day... ever." He sighed, sipping on his water before reaching out and gently holding her hand, "Warm hands, so I guess the bipap machines are working."

He talked for hours to her and when he finally went home, he collapsed in bed.

"Hey, you haven't been home in a while." Addison said.
"I had a lot of surgeries." He lied as he changed.
"Have you seen Meredith?" She asked.
"No." He lied again, "Why?"
"I feel bad. As if the bomb wasn't enough." She said.
"What?" He asked, confused.
"You don't know what happened?" Addison asked.

"Her abdomen was tender and she was probably going to need an appendectomy soon. But that shrapnel hit her right in the wrong spot. It sliced her appendix and she had peritonitis. That coupled with pregnancy hormones... I had to give her a medical abortion, poor thing." Addison said.

"What?" He asked again, his heart beating louder in his ears.

"Yeah, I know. Skinny people never look pregnant till their last trimester and she actually might not have even noticed it. It was only 6 weeks." Addison sighed, "She was quick to move on."

He was glad it was so dark because she didn't see how much his heart broke that night. He had been having some control in his life and now, he felt as powerless as he had when he found out that Addison had cheated.