More confession time!! wahooooooo
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"I loved you", Crowley said. "And you left me alone with it."
"Past tense, then."
The demon pauses.
"What?"
"Loved, you said-" Aziraphale swallows thickly, and for the first time, Crowley notices that he looks like he's holding back tears. "You don't...feel that way anymore", the angel says, like it's half question, half realisation. "You don't...love me anymore."
And isn't that just the most fucking ridiculous notion Crowley has ever heard, and after everything he said, everything he did, everything they've been through over the past few weeks, over the last six blasted millennia-
"Oh of course I still bloody love you", he hisses, unable to hold it in anymore. "It's the bane of my existence! It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing that haunts me before I fall asleep, it's what keeps me up and keeps me going, it's been there, always, just...growing-" He grinds his teeth, frantically points to the place where his pathetic heart is beating away. "In my chest, in my head- since The Beginning, and I can't make it stop. No matter what I do, I can't make it stop, I can't make it go away."
Not that he'd want to, if it truly came down to it. He doesn't even know who he is anymore without this Aziraphale-shaped love filling his chest, and he doesn't particularly care to find out.
"No matter what you do", Crowley goes on, aching to get it all out, like every word he speaks is sucking venom out of a wound. "No matter how many times you push me away, how many times you show me that there's always something else that's more important than me- no matter how many times you choose Heaven-"
He chuckles bitterly, as if he's just waiting for Aziraphale to get up and do just that once again.
Because he's always just waiting for the other shoe to drop, isn't he. It breaks him every time, and he comes back patched up with makeshift stitches, ready to do it all over again, every time.
He'll take every crumb Aziraphale throws his way, just like he has readily accepted the offer of Aziraphale's body when the angel kissed him forcefully against a wall. The angel has always had an easier time showing his wants than anything beyond, and Crowley has always been there and ready to indulge him. If that's all he can have, he will take Aziraphale's desire, and he'll thank him for it too, even while his heart is cracked and bleeding out slowly in his chest.
"I always come...crawling back to you", Crowley says, smiling a tight-lipped, sad little thing of a smile. "Isn't that just fucking pathetic? Because I'm doomed, angel. I'm doomed because I couldn't stop loving you any more than you could make yourself love me - really love me, not that heavenly angel crap bullshit of a love you wankers up there think is the real deal. It's not. This is, what I-"
What I feel. What I've felt for centuries.
A fucking demon. Cursed to love more fiercely than any winged fucks proclaiming themselves beings of love. It's laughable, really. It might be the only redeeming quality he has left.
"So that's that." Crowley smiles, shrugs his shoulders. "I'm just gonna be here, like this, trapped in this fucking feeling forever. Because I simply don't know how not to be- this. Yours", Crowley says, and it's easier than he thought it would be, freeing. "Completely and utterly and...yes, pathetically yours, angel. Do with that what you will - leave me, discard me, take my bloody heart and throw it away, beat me down with your words, it's not gonna change anything. It's always been you. Always."
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Take These Broken Wings And Learn To Fly
Fanfiction"Why are you doing this?" Aziraphale's voice is faint, his breathing uneven. Crowley doesn't lift his eyes to see the sickly look on his face, the twist of pain where only joyous smiles should ever be. "Bandages need changing", he mumbles, eyes fixe...
