~♡Let us live since we must die♡~

Maybe I am just not enough

Eiran

10 years ago

My ten year old self is beaming at the wonderful exam results I got.
Mommy is going to be so proud of me. I am so excited to show her!
She told me that even if I don't come top of my class, she won't be mad. She will love me the same. But I don't want her to love me the 'same',  I want her to love me more than just the same.
Aiden has always been her favourite, even if she doesn't mention it. Dad doesn't love neither of us, but if there is a chance in hell that he does, he loves Aiden more. Grandma, who was the only one the genuinely seemed to love memmotr than anyone, died two years ago. I was heartbroken for days, but eventually time worked its magic.
I have always hated the power time has over us. It doesn't know even half as how much we know about our dear ones, yet is the one to take away their life and make us forget about them. It is so unfair. Everything about life is unfair.

Aiden is one year smaller than me and is also top of his class, but at least I am too. For once, me and my little brother are equal. As we reach home, my heart jumps into my chest and beats furiously.
I am so excited to make mommy proud!!

As the driver deposits us on our doorstep, I rush inside, grasping the result sheet in my hands. I burst into momma's room, smile so wide, it dares to tear my skin open.

I expect her to be at her table, working on her laptop, like she always does. But as Aiden and I get in, she's nowhere to be found.
W

e start searching the room for her and I scare-jump when I see her crouched next to the bed, holding her two legs together and shaking uncontrollably.

I smile, not paying attention to her body language as I shout,

"Mom! I have a surprise for you!!"

I wait for her to take me in her arms and ask about it, but she never does.

"Mom-"

She charges at me with a knife. That is when I finally notice her scary face. Her eyes are so red that it appears violet. She is grinding her teeth so hard that the sound can reach my ears. Her skin is as pale as the moon. Her hair which is normally elegantly tucked, is all over the place.

She is looking at me like I am a meal. Like she is ready to devour me. She pins me against the cold wall and presses the knife to my neck. It slowly pierces through my skin as blood trickles endlessly. My result sheet falls to the ground as I make an effort to gasp for air,

"Mom-"

This is not the mother I know. This is not the mother that held me in her warm arms after being beaten by my dad. This is not the mom who treated my wounds with the gentleness only a mother possesses. This is not the mother that held my small hands as I made my first steps. This is not the mother that kisses me on the forehead every night before going to bed. This is not the mother who sang lullabies to help me fall asleep.

Where is my mother? The one I admire and love so much?

Right now, as I stare into this woman's eyes, all I can see is vacant cold space, with no emotions. I cannot recognise the eyes of the person who is the reason I've been holding on to life all this while.