I am not a sinner. | Fyolai

Chapter ten.

At late morning when Fyodor returned to the window his note were gone, only rock got  left. At the lunch mass no one looked strange at him, which means it must've been Nikolai who took it, not anyone else. Fyodor grew hopeful that the jester will appear soon and explain everything to him. Because as much as he despite living in the same world as him no one deserve to die in such way, in such age.

The rainy season came. Now everything is wet and muddy outside. Rain haven't stopped since yesterday. Fyodor wonder where Nikolai is. Does he have a proper place where he won't get cold and sick? From his note it seemed he is alright with dying, maybe he is just sitting in the forest, staring into nothing.

Fyodor hid his face in his hands, pressing until his cheeks hurt. How much longer he has to wait? Will Nikolai even come? Maybe they already got him or he changed his mind and Fyodor will sit here for long long hours before he finally realize he's left alone. But that show up to not be the case at all.

The window break open, Fyodor quickly turn around to watch Nikolai jump in, slip and ending up on the ground. He doesn't get up, he only raise his head to give the priest a look. There is no smile on the fool's face, not anymore. He is troubled, he is broken, he is doomed. And, for the first time in forever Fyodor can feel with him.

"Fyodor, I stole it" the jester confess.

"I know" the priest nod as he walk up to Nikolai who still is staying at the other man's feet.

"I needed to, I finally need to be free!" he cried out next "You once said that some sins can be forgiven after death."

"Not all of them, Nikolai" Fyodor is trying to stay as cold as the church wall.

"I know!" the man jump up, slightly towering over Fyodor now "And I don't really care to be forgiven by God! I just want you to forgive my sins! Please, Fyodor, I beg."

"Don't" the priest shook his head.

"I must!" the jester continue "I did all of this so that maybe if I die you will forgive all of my sins. Maybe I am not taken as a human anymore, Fyodor, maybe I am a free bird now! And animals cannot sin."

"You mustn't die, Nikolai" the jester look confused so Fyodor continue "Do not turn yourself in. Disappear far away and do not look back. Your sins won't be forgiven, but you will die when your time come, not anytime before."

A smile appear on Nikolai's lips. "I could stay here! With you. I won't go out, I promise! No one would see me! Just don't send me away" he goes to take Fyodor's hands.

Fyodor does not take a step back, but he doesn't hold Nikolai's hands back. He just let him have the satisfaction of it. Maybe then he will stay a little longer and change his mind.

"That cannot happen, Nikolai, you know it is impossible. Take my advice and go, do not look back, start a new life."

"I don't want a life without you!" pause "I would rather die."

After those words Nikolai lean closer, for a kiss, that is not hard to realize. And, yes, Fyodor is thinking about giving in, so badly, but he cannot. No. That would be wrong, he cannot listen to his desires but to what he is following and that is God.

With placing two fingers onto Nikolai's mouth Fyodor slightly pushes him back and with ache in his heart he can't otherwise than say "You have decided for yourself."

And that is it. The biggest fool with tears running down his cheeks turn around and leave the church. Fyodor know where he is going. Now he will confess to The King and he will get him killed. There is no other way this could go. Nikolai have decided. However Fyodor feel deep guilt eating him from the inside. He need to sit down. Everything is a little blurry right now.