Flickering Lights

~8 I Can Handle This

Another pill flushes down my throat with big chugs of water.

I just can't help it. Besides, it's not that bad. They were prescribed by nurses from a hospital. I'm not addicted. No way.

The past days, I was taking one. And I was surely going to run out, soon. But if I already got them home, why wouldn't I be allowed to take them? They're helping me.

I can stop if I want.

Yawning, I made my way downstairs.
"Hope, good you're here. Just the right timing." "What is it?" I asked, wondering what to eat.

"Can you go to the grocery store? We need a few things. Perhaps you could find a pharmacy? Your mother cut herself and we don't have any band aids." Dad listed.

Maybe I could make me a bagel. Or cereal. With french toasts? I nod. What a great idea.

"Alright, thank you." But what for? I frowned and asked exactly that. "Well, to go to the grocery store and a pharmacy."

"Oh." When did I agree on that. Before I could reply, he did. "You nodded, so I took that as a yes." I did? Well, I do remember nodding, but that was because of my food.

I should catch more sleep the next days. Be more present and listen better, for sure.

"I can go, could you just write everything down?" I grabbed an apple and went to get my shoes on. He followed immediately. "Here." Dad handed me a small paper. "Your mother already wrote everything down. Just don't forget the band aids, they aren't written down there."

"Alright, will do." I hugged him goodbye, though before I could close the door he held me back by calling out my name. "Yes?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you. I know you were the only one of us who had major issues with moving here, and I'm glad you seem to settle in aswell."

I have to admit my heart did hurt a little. Never would I intent on ruining the mood for a new start. I want them to feel peace. I want Elliot to find peace and to close that awful chapter of our life's. I really wanted to tell him that. Letting him know that it's fine, 'cause I found a way of dealing with my problems. 

Instead, I told my dad only a raw 'No problem' and started walking. I would find the grocery store. Elliot did. Besides, I can always use Google maps if I intend to find the way faster. Would spare me the running around like some lost kid.

Even if I was, nobody needed to know that.

I took my phone out and started typing in some random grocery store. It wasn't even far away. Only about ten minutes. Trying to remember the way as clearly as possible I let my phone slide back into my pocket.

Don't need to look like someone who is walking that way for the first time, even if I am walking that way for the first time. I'm fine on my own. 

When I arrived at the store, I only looked two times back on the map. Normally I don't need that. While walking through the aisles, I noticed how often I had to relook on what things to buy. Like my mind was too tired to properly concentrate on the basic things I could easily do before the incedent. 

What am I even talking about? I'm fine. I am fine. Completely fine. No need to worry. I can handle this. 

My chest tightened. 

I can handle this. 

My palms got sweaty.

I can handle this. 

My breathing got stuck in my throat.

I can handle this. 

My hands and legs started to shake.

I can still handle this. Deep. Breaths.

It felt like my legs would give up any second and I would pass out.

Fuck it, I can't handle this. Good thing I brought a pill with me. Chugged it down and felt a relieve I craved for. 

Payed the groceries and left. Went to the nearest pharmacy and started looking for band-aids. I walked between the small shelves, only for a certain word to catch my eyes. Benzodiazepine. How awesome. 

I couldn't even stop myself. My hands just magically grabbed the package and my eyes just scanned over the package by themselves.

Low dosed.

The ones from the hospital surely are higher dosed, but it still is the same, is it? I've got no understanding in the doses of medicine so I just grabbed it, took band aids as well and payed.

The look the cashier gave me did made me a little nervous and I felt uneasy leaving, but gladly he kept his mouth shut. It's not that I did something wrong.

I had a hard time remembering the way home, but unfortunately a did made it back. When I arrived and put everything on the counter, I straight up rushed to my room. I felt drenched out. Tired. Though even when I sleep for long, I wake up tired.

//°°\\

A frustrated sigh leaves my mouth. The past days, my family sorted all the boxes with our stuff out, so now my room is full of mine. Not only should I have already started, according to my Mom, but perhaps even finish.

So now I'm sitting in the middle, no clue where to start.

"Need help?" I shriek at the suddon voice, turning to the door where Elliots head pops out.

"You scared the shit out of me.", groaning, I let myself fall on my back. "Where do I even start?" "Well, I'm not finished yet, but you could just grab one and and then another without any structure." He shrugs. Is he serious? "Are you serious?"

He shrugs again "Why wouldn't I be?" I groan another time. He is so not helpful. "When I just randomly open one box, and then another one, how would that help? I would just end up with stuff flying around 'cause I have no idea where to put anything."

"You can put your clothes into the wardrobe." He suggested it like it was the most intelligent idea a man has created. I grab a pillow ond throw at him, also signaling he isn't any help and can leave.

"Just a tip." The shout still echoes a little bit.

Maybe I could sort the boxes? Place every box that kinda belongs together and sort everything out.

Putting my headphones on, 'cause there ain't no way I'm doing this without music, I cut the first one open. Yet I hesitated. Sorting everything out felt so final. Like it will all be different now with no way back.

Slowly, I place the first items to its new place. Gaining more confidence, I let go. Let the music stream through my veins, enjoy the feeling of it wanting me to dance and sing out loud.

Arranging stuff, rearrange them again and again an again, until I'm exhausted and take a break, only to continue. Hours may have already passed, my room got fuller and felt more like my room.

Finding peace in the idea of a fresh start, I do feel like it would be nice going to a new school with new people. Maybe this isn't bad after all.

And after all, I did find myself singing along to the lyrics, wich I know by heart.

//°°\\

A/n:

It feels good to be back, wich I am. It's been a while, but I got new motivation and new ideas.

I did got stuck on this chapter, but I managed to find some ideas, so if you have any, I would gladly read those and bring them into the story.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter after all!

Have a good day or the rest of it!

WrittenBy09