Warrior Gentlemen

Etiquette For Our Brothers

Before going anywhere serious, it was necessary to learn some etiquette. How to bow to a lady, how to bow to a gentleman, how to shake hands with a lady, how to shake hands with a gentleman – all these, David Kyung learned and practiced with his older brother. Since Kyung had grasped the fundamentals of the English language, it was only natural for him to move on to etiquette.

Englishmen and women eat at the same table, forgo gats, veils, and modest overcoats. Their noblewomen serve as hostesses, meeting and speaking to all sorts of men. Even so, there was a set of customs here for observing the distinction between the sexes. Respecting this was paramount for people who wish to be respected. Cad by day, gentleman by night, Adam Fujiwara knew when he needed to be polite and when he didn't need to be. His young friend, Kyung, called such discrimination inconstancy. Just shy of seventeen, he did not judge inconstancy wise. Nonetheless, he needed lessons and no other would tutor him.

Master Fujiwara taught his pupil most generously. After he'd finished his work for the day, the cad would don the hat of an etiquette teacher.

Grab your cap. 

It's raining outside.

When isn't it raining?

We're going out?

No. Before going out with me, you need to learn a couple things.

Lesson One: If you don't have a hat, tip your cap. Raise your cap by the crown. Use the hand furthest from the person you are tipping to. If I'm on your right, tip with the left.

Like this?

No, that's too much, lift it an inch, no more.

Like this?

Right. Make sure, the inside of your cap stays hidden. Holding your cap, keep it close to your chest. The inside of this cap should never, ever show.

Why not?

You sweat. Your hair falls off. Do you want others to see that?

Oh, I see. When do we tip caps and hats?

When you meet an acquaintance on the street: tip your cap, smile, nod, eye contact. If you wish to speak with a woman, remove your cap and hold it properly. Shake hands, but don't press. Never offer your hand to a lady off the bat. Wait for her to acknowledge you with a bow, then return the bow, and reach out your hand. The two of you will talk and if she bows again, the talk is over.

Apart from meeting acquaintances, you'd have to take care on the following occasions. When a kind stranger lets you pass on the tram, tip your cap. When you're asking to pass, tip your cap. When you give a lady your seat, tip your cap.

We have to give ladies seats?

Well, is a lady supposed to give you her seat?

First come, first serve.

That's not the English way. Ladies first. Seats on the tram are to be given to women, the elderly, young children, and the infirm.

I see, to every woman and old man?

Absolutely.

Lesson Two: You walk with a man, say Weiss or myself, and he meets a man or woman to whom he tips his hat. You raise yours also, even if the person is a stranger. If the stranger is female, do so without looking at her face. Let's say, you walk and meet Weiss. Weiss is with a woman. You raise your hat to them without looking at the woman. If the woman offers her hand, you may shake it and make acquaintance with her. Goes without saying: off with the hat when you're talking to a lady. Sometimes, you may walk with a woman. Give her the wall, take the outer path. When there is danger, concede to her the place of safety. Bikes can hit men, but never a lady.

What if I walk with a lady and she meets another lady and they talk?

First, take off your cap. Then observe, does this fair stranger wish to talk to me or no? Gentlemen are always introduced to ladies. If your friend wishes to introduce you, she will do so. If she does not, be quiet. Do not force your acquaintance on a woman. Got it?

Yes, Sir.

When you take your leave, put your hat on, and tip it.

Again?

Yes, again.

Lesson Three: Evening affairs call for evening wear. Since we're humble men, a plain charcoal suit or waistcoat will do. Avoid light colours, those are for morning engagements. Entering a building, remove your hat. Greet the host or hostess, say something, anything, and shake hands. Remember: at dinners, even cosy ones, the guests are women, the waiters are men. When a lady rises, you rise. If no other man offers, lead her to the door. If you are sitting next to the door, this is your natural duty. Open the door for her, and hold it, till she passes fully. Exiting a building, you may run into a lady entering. Raise your hat, hold it thus, and stand still, till she passes. Do so without looking at her face. As a matter of course.

The Weisses are our friends. We will behave well with them and better with strangers. Be gracious in a crowd at public meetings. If you step on a hem, I beg your pardon. Stand clear of doors, pick up handkerchiefs. Say 'bless you' when you hear a sneeze.

Bless you who?

Like in eastern societies, it's rude to call people by their given names. Say 'Bless you, Miss, or Ma'am', if you have not her last name.

How about us? What are we to be called?

In polite society, we are Mr Fujiwara and Mr Kyung. We are not savages, we help women to their seats.

Here, Mr Fujiwara pulled out a chair from their cluttered long table. Holding the top of the chair, he dragged it gracefully, quietly.

"Please, take a seat."

Mr Kyung sat, rose, let his tutor push it in, then sat again. The young man's posture was decent. With him, there was no fidgeting, crossing of legs, or superfluous touching of the face. Having come all the way, he was eager to learn the customs here. Not once did he complain of discomfort in their etiquette classes or react poorly to correction.

Seeing the boy's earnest attitude, Mr Fujiwara did not think it a waste to teach him. "A little savage," he thought, "may still make a fine gentleman." A big savage was hopeless. Little ones, when trained, quickly adopt the habits and dispositions of civilised living.

By his second week of lessons, Mr Hee's back had contrived to bow in the western fashion. Feet in a V-shape, shoulders squared. Bend forward from the hips, arms by the side. Perfect. Going to public meetings with this youth, Mr Fujiwara would not suffer embarrassment.

Technicalities of ritual were easy to master. The ethics behind them proved harder to grasp. It baffled Karl that women were accorded special respect in English society. Chivalry, his master said, is the most noble of western institutions. In oriental speak, it can be summed up as: Little person first, Gentleman last. Some are for it and it is natural to them. Others are staunchly against.

"The ladies we'll meet tonight. Are they for or against?"

The advice given was 'read the room'. In practice, this meant reading Mr Fujiwara. Mr Kyung was to mimic his senior's behavior and present himself correctly. These instructions were not given explicitly, for a smart pupil left half-instructed, learns. Kyung practised bowing in front of the washstand mirror five more times before heading to bed.

Reader's note:

The etiquette tips here mostly derive from "Etiquette for Our Brothers," by Sophia F.A. Caulfeild (Girl's Own Paper, 1883).