I swear for fucks sake I fail everything that I have more failed suicide attempts than my missed assignments in school.
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I was light headed while drawing that so it looks a bit goofy,
(Storytime lmao)
my last failed attempt was in class last year when I went to the fourth floor to jump, failed because I somehow hesitated and stopped? I went down stairs back to my classroom, my homeroom teacher saw me sobbing and asked to me what happened. I told her "I don't know if I should live or to kill myself." She confronted me for a little and (demanded) I had to sit on the teachers desk behind the class, my friends and my ex girlfriend was glancing at me every 2 minutes. While that my teacher's phone rang and I was silently panicking when it was my mother. I declined the call. After a while my mother was called in and the whole class had to be outside so we could privately chat (even though we could've just talked outside) and I swear, all three of us broke down. My classmates were listening aswell, my ex girlfriend (who is now my friend) seemed worried and asked why the fuck did I just try to jump off.
I was also forced to rest back home for a week after we talked to the guidance counselor (despite me pleading not to because I was afraid I was going to fail) she said it was okay to rest for a while and we went home,
At home I rushed upstairs and my brother went aswell to ask who was the ones that drove me into suicide, I didn't reply and I just bursted out sobbing and he left for school, 2 days later I received a message from the group that drove me into killing myself, apologising to me (which I found out the teachers forced them to) and I forgave them as long as they don't repeat it again. My brother was also one of the reasons because me and him are like cats and dogs. Fighting, screaming, frustration, yeah. He became less snappy and more gentle with me after that, but that dint last long.
Gentleness and joy doesn't run in my family, we're all stressed, frustrated and tired almost to the point it's like naturally a genetics from out blood.
So yeah, a few weeks later, back to normal, yelling and fighting. He often argues with me and he gets physical, which is unfair to me because I can't fight back because he's the older one and fighting or talking back would be considered as disrespectful.
I grew up with multiple undiagnosed illnesses, such as, ADHD, Maladaptive daydreaming(the one that's affecting me the most), unloved daughter syndrome, paranoid personality syndrome, ect ect. These are all self diagnosed though, I'm not being assuming or dramatic, I did research for a longgg time and the symptoms match me so well. Especially Maladaptive daydreaming.
And my suicidal tendencies started at 9 years old. Which was like years ago. I've been self destructive, multiple failed suicide attempts each year.
Haha.. since I've made a plan back at February of my suicide plan I'm going to commit at May 17, which is tomorrow. I told my friend about it. My friend is begging the gods that I will forget about my "plan", I have a very bullshit memory. My memory is like a goldfish. Anyways, I think I'm going to suffocate myself or jump, I don't know.
Delete my search history, please. No one needs to know my bisexual ass is down bad for fictional characters.
