Late Night Writes

05/17/24

This "book" serves as a repository for my thoughts and ideas.

⊱ ━━━━━━[🩷]━━━━━━ ⊰

I have some feelings for this friend I met in middle school. We lost touch after middle school, and about a year ago, we started texting each other. He likes the same music I like. We talk about middle school sometimes and send each other funny memes and videos, and when all of this is happening, I can't help but think about him as someone rather than a friend. 

It's weird because I find him somewhat attractive, but I'm starting to like him for who he is and how he gets me rather than his looks. I'm a pleased single person, not wanting or needing someone "special" perhaps in my life; like a partner, I don't seek it because I'm content with myself. But if he tried to make a move, would I stop him? Would I let him make his move? How would I feel about him when he does try something with me? 

For instance, tonight, he wrote to me about how a boy between fourteen and seventeen walked up to him at their kickboxing gymnasium, said he was super cool, and asked for his name. I found that very endearing. 

I replied, "Aww, cute," he liked my text—it had a heart emoji. Now, I think I'm reading too much into it because he usually uses that heart for everything—the memes I send him, the funny videos, the relatable comments—so why did this time make me wonder if he could potentially like me? 

This guy, my friend, lives at least four hours away from me, and ever so often, he comes down to see me and his middle school best friends. He usually comes down twice a year, during summer and spring break, but he only tends to stay for a week or two. And the times we've hung out when he comes down are like a breath of fresh air with him. 

For some reason, and I think I know the reason, every time I talk with him, I can't help but feel some relief, like the pressure was lifted from my chest, and the weight is lifted off my shoulders. There seems to be some calmness when he's around me. And I get it, we have things in common, he's a year older than me, he's pretty good looking, but overall he listens. But I can't help but think I'm not good enough. 

The few times we hung out when he was in my town, all I could think about when he spoke was how he would react if I leaned in and kissed him. Would he reciprocate? Would he push me away? All these scenarios in my head might either cost me a good friend or an opportunity to start a relationship with someone. With someone I've come to know for a long time. 

I might just be creating scenarios in my head from reading and writing romantic-comedy stories and watching rom-coms non-stop, but after five years without being kissed or touched by someone, you want whatever you read in books or watch in movies. 

I don't want a relationship now because my career would plummet, and I know the type of person I am. I want to be with my partner one hundred percent of the time; I would lack in school and be there with my partner all the time. But I also deserve to be happy and share my happiness with someone, which, in conclusion, I'm pretty sure I have a crush on my friend. 

Am I going to tell him? Probably not. Will I ever tell him? Yes, most definitely. He deserves to know my feelings and what my head thinks of when he's around me; he has the right to know. 

Before heading to bed, I looked at my phone for the third time tonight, waiting for his notification to pop on my phone and read his message. I sent him a funny video, and he left me on read; I thought if I gave it an hour, he'd reply to the video and start a conversation. But I was wrong. 

Being in a long-distance relationship doesn't seem like something I would be comfortable with, given that I would always want him next to me, cuddling or watching a movie together. To have him in my presence would be enough, but if it were through a phone screen or hearing his voice on phone calls, it would shatter me to pieces; I don't think I could handle it. 

In conclusion, I like my friend but don't want him enough to go through a long-distance relationship. He's cute and gets me, but he doesn't show any interest in me—at least, I don't think so. So, I'll continue to be his friend because I would much rather have a friend than lose one for admitting feelings that aren't reciprocated.